Imperfections of Perfection
by iamanevilgenius
Summary: “We all strive for the perfection we can never reach” Sometimes the question that needs to be asked is whether perfection is really worth it...HPDM
1. Perfection

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

**Additional Notes/Warning Labels:**

1. This one has self-harm in it (eating disorder is one of the major ones, so if you might be triggered by that, don't read)

2. DO NOT TAKE SERIOUSLY! There is no offense meant!

3. This is an angst fic (obviously!)

4. This is a SLASH, YAOI, whatever you want to call it (boy/boy) HP / DM

5. I'm still American, don't mind my Americanisms.

6. I own Acheron and the plot

8. Character Death (No I'm _not_ telling you who! You'll find out who in the story!)

9. As Sylvia Plath said, "I write only because/There is a voice within me/That will not be still."

**Note Added 19.05.07**: This is now being edited. If I make any changes that effect the overall story, I'll inform you in the next note here. - Keir

* * *

"We never taste happiness in perfection"

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* * *

**

Perfection

_It's a sad thing, really, that we all strive for the perfection we can never reach. Even the stars themselves struggle in their attempts of outshining the sun in the night sky._

_I never found it easy to be me. I was always struggling to be good enough, but I never quite made it. Not that it matters now, I suppose, but I know that things aren't supposed to be this way._

_I know it wasn't supposed to end this way. I wanted my happily ever after, but I guess I'll never get it._

_It's funny, how we all think that in the end, everything will be better… I used to think that Potter would defeat Voldemort and my father would regain his sanity and tell me he was proud of me._

_It didn't happen that way. Potter did defeat Voldemort after all, but my father died in the battle to keep Voldemort. A needless death in a senseless war, I suppose. My mother lost her mind. She wasn't supposed to lose her mind._

_We were gone, dead before we'd ever managed to do anything. Or almost dead, because like everyone in the world, we all have skeletons in our closet. Our skeleton just happened to be a living and breathing human being._

_Of course, he was older than I was – about sixteen years older than me. My parents' first child. The brother that was disowned and disinherited because he ran off with a Muggle. Not a Muggle-born or a Halfblood, but a Muggle._

_He was disowned two years after my birth. In my father's words – I was a son and thus, the name would live on despite my brother's attempt at destroying it._

_I didn't find out about my brother until I was seventeen and on the run. Dumbledore was dead and I had nowhere to go. I'd failed the Dark Lord and as a failure that was not an initiated Death Eater yet, I'd been given a death sentence._

_I ran to the Muggle world and it was sheer coincidence, sheer luck that I ran into the brother I'd never known. He took me into his home and taught me to live like a Muggle._

_It's been a year since then. Voldemort's dead. I'm eighteen years old and my brother dragged me out into the Wizarding World once again. He shipped me off to Hogwarts once it reopened so I could complete the Seventh Year._

_Of course, I've got too many problems now. I've brought them all upon myself too._

_It's about perfection… it's about control._

_I can't control my life. My name controls my life, my reputation…_

_Once, my Father, Lucius controlled my life. He oversaw what I was becoming. He decided how I'd act, how I'd talk… how to walk, how to react…_

_Then when my Father was gone, thrown in jail, my Mother took over. She controlled me. I was never anything more than a puppet to be discarded and passed on to the next person in line, waiting for their turn at controlling me through fear, pain… and my brother, who controlled me with love._

_I think he really did love me. He wanted what was best for me – for me to be happy, but I couldn't be happy._

_The reason…_

_I'd lost control of everything when I tried to be perfect and I couldn't be perfect and I didn't know why._

_Maybe it was that I saw what happened to my mother… to my father…_

_My father who ruled us as a dictator. My mother, who became his lifeless puppet, trying so hard to be perfect. Trying so hard to keep the name, to keep her honor…_

_Then the news came…_

_Lucius had fallen for the Dark._

x-x-x-x-x-x

She lost her mind

Someone kicked her into the back of the line

She lost her head

When they called and they said that they thought he

was dead

x-x-x-x-x-x

* * *

– Pierre Corneille.

* * *

A/N: I think it's a bit difficult to read – maybe it's just me. This thing isn't all in Draco's PoV… you'll see… 

All right... quotes. I haven't a clue on how many quotes there are, aside from the chapter quotes, so just bear with me.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. The lyrics at the bottom were a bit random, I guess. They're from "Dreaming of Screaming" by System of a Down.

For those of you who reviewed before I did some changes – very little changes to the actual context of the chapter and more to the warning labels, here you are:

**SwayPippin **

**gaija **

Thanks for taking the time to review!

P.S.: This was edited, but I'm having it re-edited because there were some slight changes. This and the next chapter, which is being posted up right now as well, are both being re-edited. I'll post this story up, and fix everything when Arwen gets back to me. She's kinda busy, and I got tired of waiting.

P.P.S.: This story will be twenty-one chapters long not counting this "prelude" sort of thing and the prologue or the Epilogue. However, I'll tell you this right now, you don't have to read the Epilogue to get the ending. This is a really strange story and I won't mind if you don't like it. It was a story that was very difficult to write. I doubt I do its subjects any justices. Ah, well, I'm just starting out in writing these things.

All right, drop me a line, if you will.

Frankly, I do not care if you review or not. This is for my entertainment mostly. And yours, if you want it to do be. If you review, know that it will be read and appreciated it, as so long as it has something that contains your thoughts (nothing right down mean), constructive constructive criticism, and anything that is not petty or demeaning to me. We are all human beings here, unless there are aliens using the internet from outer space we have not yet heard from, so let us treat each other with the respect all human beings deserve.

Keir


	2. Prologue: Control

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"The most dangerous thing about power is to employ it where it is not applicable."

**

* * *

**

Prologue:

x-x-x-x-x-x

_And this is where we begin, _

_In the here and now… _

_At the beginning of the end_

x-x-x-x-x-x

**Control**

_I'm at Hogwarts. Soon I'll be free to be whatever I want to be._

_My name follows me like a plague, and no one seems to care too much. I have everything under control. I have a glamour spell in place just in case – it's to help me seem perfect. It'll stay as long I as I keep this up._

_I walk out of the Great Hall after dinner. I'm heading for the bathroom – I'm using the boys' bathroom. I look around. No one is inside…_

_Good, I think to myself. They can't make me stop – they can't make me lose my control._

_I take control and afterwards, I flush the toilet and open the door, only to find HER – the Mudblood staring at me, ready to knock._

_What are you doing here? Don't you realize this is a boys' restroom? Maybe you just got all that mud in your brain and you can't figure it out._

Malfoy,_ she says, _what happened? You look sick… you sounded like you were sick.

_No, I'm fine. Thanks. I don't need your concern._

Go to Madam Pomfrey.

_No, I don't think I will. I'm fine._

_And I'm fine. I'm better than fine. I look at myself – the glamour is still on. I'm perfect and in control._

xxx

Draco…_ she says, _I know. You're really sick. You're killing yourself…

_I start and whirl around. She's standing behind me, staring at me. I've taken the glamour off to look at myself without it. I look perfect. The beautiful – the ethereal beauty that graces me. I know it; I look like something that doesn't belong in this world. But I'm still beautiful and I'm in control._

_I say the charm and she looks at me with something like worry in her eyes._

Draco… you're killing yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself? When did it start?

_I stare at her, wondering… where had this begun?_

xxx

_I don't remember when it started. It used to be simple things._

_If I study, I'll get good grades. If I study, my father will like me. If I study, I'll be better than people._

_Then my father found out and he took over. He drew up study schedules for me. He told me when I was to study, what grade I was expected to get. He told me how I was to act, how I was to look. He told me who, what, and where I was going to be._

_He had all the control. A tyrant – a dictator who ruled with an iron fist that I could never wrest control from._

_So… it began with a simple sentence. I can't remember who said it, or where I heard it._

You control when and what you eat. No one can force you to eat. They can force you not to eat, but they can't force you to eat something you don't want.

_I stopped eating meat. It was simple, easy. I was in control. I didn't eat meat. Then it was no meat, and I've always hated fish. I stuck to a strict diet that did not involve another creature dying._

_If I don't eat that, then he won't find out. If I stop eating that, I won't get in trouble. If I stop eating that, they won't notice. If I stop eating that, I'll be in control._

_Control._

_My meals grew smaller and smaller until I was drinking only liquids at dinner. I drank pumpkin juice, lemonade, butterbeer…water…_

_Then, I stopped drinking pumpkin juice. If I don't have that, they'll leave me alone._

_Slowly I stopped drinking and eating anything. I drank only water. Water was the only thing I ALLOWED myself to drink. I was in control._

_Control._

_If I don't eat, they'll leave me alone. If I don't eat, I can get better grades. If I don't eat, he won't hit me. If I don't eat, I'll be in control._

_Control…_

_I can't control the way I look. My father has that under control. I can't control the way I talk – my father won't let me talk the way I want. I can't have the friends I want – the Dark Lord will grow suspicious. I must hate all Muggle things. I cannot allow myself to fantasize about Ginny Weasley… Hermione Granger._

_I can't have Potter as – control… control…_

_I need the best grades. I need them._

_If I don't eat, Father won't hit me today. If I don't eat, Potter won't see me as evil. If I don't eat, HE won't come back._

_If I don't eat…_

_I have control._

_No, don't tell me I've got a problem. I don't have a problem. It's control._

_That's how it started._

_I'll get the best grades if I don't eat because I've got to study. No, leave me alone – I have to study. I have to. Bad things will happen if I give in and eat. No – don't tell me to, please leave me alone._

_If I don't eat, Dumbledore won't die. If I don't eat, I won't have to do it. If I don't eat, I can escape this. If I don't eat, they'll leave me alone. If I don't eat… I'll be perfect. _

_Then… Dumbledore died, and I went on the run._

_If I don't eat, I won't have to stop and risk getting caught. If I don't eat he won't find me. If I don't eat, I can disappear from sight. If I don't eat… control._

_I look at her now, and say, "It's just about control, see. Control – I can control this. My father doesn't see me not eating – he can't stop me and he can't make me. No one can force me to do this if I don't want to. I'm controlling it. It's my decision. It's in my control, no one else's."_

_"_Draco, you've got a problem,"_ she tells me._

_"I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM," I scream at her. _

"_I don't!"_

_They've forced me to eat before, but I have the control over that too. I walk to the bathroom and let my finger slide down into my throat until the food is gone._

_No, don't ask me to give up my control. I can't control my life – I'm spinning out of control. I'm standing on the precipice and I'll fall if I eat._

_Control._

_It's about that. I won't eat and I don't lose control ever again. I'm not powerless, I'm not hopeless. If I don't eat._

_Make me eat, I'll make it go away. It won't stay inside me. I refuse to allow it to stay._

_Control._

_I'm going to be perfect. I'll be absolutely perfect. No problems, nothing to worry about. I'm perfect. I've got control. You can't tell me what to do. I'm in control._

_Control._

_It's all I wanted. If I'm in control, I'm perfect._

_It's about the power over myself. It's my choice_

_I'm in control. I'll eat when I want to._

_If I don't eat… I'll be in control._

_"_But, Draco,"_ she says to me, looking at me. _"What happens when you lose control?"

xxx

_She leaves me standing in the bathroom, smelling the things I've just cleansed myself of. "I am in control," I say to the empty bathroom. I'll always be in control. No matter what._

_No… I won't lose control._

_I don't have a problem…_

_I DON'T!_

* * *

– David Halberstam

* * *

A/N: Okay, here's what I have to say to the people who leave cruel comments on fanfictions that talk about self-abuse… before you leave a comment telling me how stupid this is – the whole eating disorder thing is. The self-abuse – before you do that… hear me out. 

Things like this are NOT the victims fault. The majority of these people DO NOT do it for attention. They are ill. Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa are illnesses. The people suffering from things like eating disorders, the people who cut themselves – who abuse themselves in any way or manner are ill. They need professional help before their condition gets worse. Do NOT leave any comments on my fanfiction telling me it's so stupid to hurt yourself. The people who hurt themselves – either they're in so much pain inside they need an outlet and they find it in physical pain… or in the case of eating disorders – and other forms of self-abuse, one of the reasons might be the reason I'm giving to Draco – a need for a semblance of control. If you think it's stupid, don't say so, because _you_ might not understand why or how anyone would do these things to themselves, but it happens and it's serious. We don't have to truly understand why it happensin order to feel compassion. That's what I'm trying to do here, but, again, I doubt I did the topic justice.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. _And this is where we begin, _

_In the here and now… _

_At the beginning of the end – _I don't know where this came from at all. If you know, let me know.

P.S.: Just so you're not totally confused and lost, I'm dividing the different PoVs by chapter. You'll know who speaks in each chapter – it's obvious in my opinion. Oh, and just so you know, we're going to go back a bit into the "past" and then come back to this – it won't be identical because it's in a "shattered" format here… Oh, and please try to read the "Author's Notes" I'll try to explain things I feel are confusing. Sometimes the "Citation…" part also has commentary explaining a quote or something specific in the story.


	3. I – Empty on the Inside

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Sometimes it's like you're a big pie settin' on the table, and everybody runs up and gets their piece of you. When it's over, the plate's empty."

**

* * *

**

I

**Empty on the Inside**

They say killing a man changes you. Except I feel… nothing.

I remember that he didn't flinch or he didn't even seem afraid. He seemed almost triumphant when he fell over dead… at my hands.

Here you behold the bloodstained hands of a murderer.

Everyone comes up to me and congratulates me on saving the world the moment I come back. The moment the world is safe again – free from the clutches of somebody like Voldemort.

And yet… I feel as though I've killed some essential part of me somehow…

"Harry!" Hermione called out to me the moment she saw me on the train to Hogwarts.

We were going to complete our Seventh Year. More than half of us were eighteen, but… we weren't exactly normal. We were among the generation that saw Dumbledore die. These – my classmates, were in my year.

"How are you mate?" asked Ron, "Bloody wicked how they've asked you to play professional Quidditch. I hear Malfoy's not happy about that."

Malfoy. Now there was a mystery. Draco Malfoy was my nemesis for all the years at Hogwarts… and yet during the war… he vanished.

The last time I'd seen him he'd been a sixteen-year-old who was terrified of dying.

"Really," I asked Ron, "who said that?"

"Erm…I think it was Parvati."

"Oh. So, did they find him?"

"Didn't you hear?" asked Ron, looking at me in amazement.

"Hear what?"

"They found him holed up in the Muggle world," said Hermione. "He was living in one of those fancy areas for the rich people. They found him by accident, actually – I think one of the neighbors realized that he looked a lot like the Missing Persons' picture of Draco Malfoy the Ministry put out to find him."

"So, he was living with a rich Muggle?" I said.

"No," said Hermione. "He was living with another wizard that none of our generation knew, but the older generation did know. Draco Malfoy was living with a wizard with the name Acheron."

"Oh?" I said, trying to sound interested. Ron, I noticed, didn't look interested at all.

"Acheron disappeared when he was seventeen," said Hermione, calmly. "He disappeared from the Wizarding world six months before Voldermort went to Godric's Hollow…"

I knew where she was going. "So – he's been gone for seventeen years and now they've found him with Malfoy?"

"That's the point," she said exasperated. "Everyone's going on about the fact that Malfoy ran off to live with him – a Muggle-lover as some people are calling him and they're not focusing on the most interesting part!"

"Which is," said Ron, "that Malfoy's a bloody hypocrite preaching about how Muggles are the bane of his existence and yet he runs off at the first sign of trouble to live with the one person he knows who _married_ a Muggle!"

"That's not what the most important part is," snapped Hermione. "The main part of this whole thing is that Acheron was Narcissa Malfoy's first son."

Ron and I stared at her.

"So," said Ron, "he's Malfoy's half brother?"

"No," said Hermione, "Acheron's full name – which somehow escaped everyone's notice – is Acheron _Malfoy_. He ran off with his Muggle girlfriend at the age of seventeen. He was disowned when he married her when they were eighteen, but she died in a car accident about a year ago."

"Was Malfoy driving?" I asked.

"No. Actually…" Hermione looked at me then at Ron. "There's something really wrong with Malfoy… Draco Malfoy that is … His brother's here – he's agreed to teach since…"

"The school was closed last year."

Hermione looked mildly surprised, before she said, "Yes. The since the school was closed last year."

xxx

I passed most of train ride in a somewhat blissful silence. I was going back to the one place I'd know as home.

On the way to Hogwarts, though I discovered a few things about Malfoy.

He'd inherited all of his family's money – his brother, Acheron, hadn't wanted it, but he'd agreed to take control of it for Malfoy until Malfoy was twenty-one. The second was – Lucius Malfoy was dead. His body was found and he was confirmed dead _and_ Narcissa Malfoy was insane. She'd gone insane when the news arrived, telling her that Lucius Malfoy was dead, fallen for Voldemort. I'd heard from Seamus, who bore a scar that ran from his elbow to his neck, that Narcissa had killed herself three days ago.

I felt sorry for Malfoy – he'd lost both of his parents.

_But so have I,_ I thought to myself.

Finally, the castle came into view and I changed into my robes.

xxx

Hermione and Ron were officially together. They'd announced their intentions of getting married during dinner. They'd told me they were getting married a while ago, so I was not surprised to hear it.

People cheered for them and promised a party in the Gryffindor style.

I looked around at my classmates. Had any of them killed someone? Sure, nobody would miss Tom Riddle who was known as Voldemort.

Voldemort was dead at my hands… and yet I didn't feel guilty about killing him. I felt guilty because I didn't feel guilty for the murder of someone else. I thought I should feel guilty. I thought I would be happier… but I wasn't happier. I was… numb.

I was so tired of fighting for the world and never getting anything in return. I turned my gaze, looking at the people who were missing from our midst.

Neville was gone, dying bravely in a battle that he shouldn't have had to fight. Dean was blind in one eye, which he now wore a patch over it and tried to ignore the ugly burn scar on the side of his face.

Seamus had gotten off lightly – he had a scar that marked a cursed wound that might've killed him. He walked with a slight limp because of a shattered hip.

Most of us huddled together, drawing teary eyes to places that should've been filled with a friend who had fallen.

But it was not anywhere nearly as bad as the Slytherin table had it. Out of all the Slytherins in my year, only Draco Malfoy, Blaise Zabini, and Pansy Parkinson were left. The rest of the Slytherins – like Crabbe were in St. Mungo's insane. Some were like, Nott in Azkaban.

I don't know how many people were missing in the other years, but the group that was sorted into one of the Four Houses was a quiet and solemn group. They were too young to witness a great war – but they had. Only the Muggle-borns had no idea of the war… and even they were affected one way or another.

"Cheer up, Harry," said Ron beside me, "you're becoming highly reminiscent of Moaning Myrtle.

I forced a smile on my face, saying, "Yeah… you're right. So… which one of the new professors is Malfoy's brother?"

We all turned to look at the Head Table. Lupin was there – something that brought a smile to my face. I was glad Lupin was here. I knew he'd be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.

I could see new professors at the Head Table. There were about three new professors.

McGonagall was no longer teaching Transfiguration – another professor got the post. I didn't see Slughorn, but then I hadn't expected to see him – he'd died in the war, or so they said. He might've managed to get away.

Hagrid was there, sitting next to McGonagall. I could see Flitwick… Professor Binns was gone and nobody knew where. The ghosts had vanished at some point and nobody could find them. Even Peeves was gone.

"The woman teaching potions is Professor Peppercorn. Firenze is, of course, taking the full responsibility for Divination since Trelawney died…" Hermione paused, and I remembered – Voldemort had discovered it was Trelawney who'd made the prophecy about the two of us and he'd tortured her, killing her slowly, but she had not revealed anything – thankfully. "Professor Greene is the new Transfiguration professor. Lupin's teaching DADA, as you all know." She hesitated then said, "And I believe Acheron Malfoy's teaching Muggle Studies."

_"What_?" we all said.

"It makes sense," said Hermione, shrugging, "He's a wizard and he was married to a Muggle woman for maybe fifteen, fourteen – _maybe_ thirteen years and he lived as a Muggle. He never did magic again in the Muggle world."

"So… you're saying it's okay for a _Malfoy_ to teach us something?" asked Seamus coldly, "This could be their chance of rising again and becoming the new Dark Lord…"

"Everyone thought Lucius Malfoy would be the next Dark Lord, but he's dead and Narcissa Malfoy… well…"

We all paused and thought about the woman who had killed herself.

I turned to look over at Draco Malfoy. He was sitting at the table, silently as besides him Pansy Parkinson talked animatedly, but quietly to Blaise Zabini. I watched him, a little puzzled.

There was something different about him. I couldn't tell what it was, but I could tell that _something_ had changed. I watched him suddenly stand up, pushing his plate away, ignoring Pansy, who called out his name as he walked out of the Great Hall.

"Poor Malfoy," said Hermione, "he's lost a lot."

"Poor Malfoy?" echoed Ron, "He inherited over a _billion_ galleons from his father! The Ministry _let_ him have it! He never did _anything_ for the war – he was filthy Death Eater."

I looked at Ron. Sometimes, I don't understand him, even if he is my best friend.

Of course, we were talking about Draco Malfoy who seemed to be perfection embodied. He was rich, and yes, even I would grudgingly admit that he was good-looking… for a boy, that is. His parents, although insane, they had loved him and given him everything he wanted.

He was, according to Hermione the second in our class, seeing as he'd taken the placement tests before coming back to Hogwarts and he'd ranked second – even at his lowest score, he was still perfect. He didn't fail his classes; he never had anything to worry about.

Yeah, I thought to myself then, Draco Malfoy was perfect… there was no need to feel sorry for him.

He wasn't like me – he wasn't empty… he was perfect.

* * *

– Loretta Lynn.

* * *

A/N: All right… before we go any further into the story, I just want to say this one was a bit difficult to write. I don't think I do the subject here justice. Maybe I romanticize them. I hope not. And the research on a certain part of it comes from a really long time ago. I haven't looked things up on eating disorders in a very long time. I only retrieved what was already in my possession. Then again, this is a fanfiction and it's very odd, very strange. I honestly don't feel this is the best there is, but it's the best I could do on it… anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

N/A

**Review Response:**

**gaija**

**Sarah123Babe**

**SweetNightmares**

Thank you! I got really nice reviews from you. : )

As I always say, your thoughts, comments, constructive criticism (that includes pointing out an error missed), are very welcomed. I don't, however, demand the reviews.

L8er

Keir

P.S: When you see the "N/A" means that I didn't use any quotes or anything that I know of.


	4. II: In Shadows

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player  
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage  
And then is heard no more. It is a tale  
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury."

**

* * *

**

II

**In Shadows**

I was tired… so _tired_ of flattering Harry. Stupid Harry – why couldn't he see? He was the brightest star here. I'm not as bright. I'm nowhere near his level. I'm not talented.

I'm not particularly brave… I don't have a way with people – Harry does.

Harry's born for fame and me…

I'm just the hero's sidekick – nothing special.

Hermione turned to look at me, with a smile on her face. She took my breath away.

I felt a twinge of an awful sort of triumph – I'd gotten her and not Harry. _I_ was Head Boy and not Harry Potter. Hermione was Head Girl – it worked out, and I was happy.

It proved that somebody thought I was better than Harry.

There were times I wanted to storm up to someone say: Hi. My name's Ron Weasley – I helped Harry Potter defeat Voldemort – where's _my_ glory? Why I am shunted into the shadows? What's so great about Harry bleeding Potter! I'm his best friend and I'm telling you – he's a selfish little brat who bitches and moans all the time about how unfair his life is. Now – WHAT ABOUT ME? Don't you _care_?

No, of course not.

Nobody cares about a faithful sidekick as long as they're faithful and loyal. Nobody cares about a sidekick because they're the background support. They're no one special. They haven't anything that would make them remarkable except they're the hero's best friend.

It was these thoughts that tumbled through my brain as I walked through the second floor corridor, making sure no one was breaking curfew.

Somehow, I ran into Draco Malfoy, of all people. He was coming out of the boys' bathroom and he hit me with the door. I expected him to laugh and sneer something awful to me. Call me Weaselby or Weasel or Potter's bitch – some insult he hadn't said yet.

He looked at me then, opening his mouth as a puzzled expression came over his face. He closed his mouth then opened it again. He looked like he was trying to say something.

"Spit it out, Malfoy," I snarled, "so then I can give you your detention for being out so late."

"I…" Malfoy said… "I'm sorry."

I stood there in shock as I saw him whirl and run back into the bathroom. To my surprise, I heard him retching.

_Something's wrong with Malfoy_, Hermione had told us on the train.

"Ugh… Malfoy, go to Madam Pomfrey if you've got the flu," I said.

He cleaned himself of whatever he'd thrown up, before he looked at me and said coldly, "I'm not sick. Go away."

"Mal –"

"GO AWAY!" he screamed at me.

I backed away.

He seemed like he was about to lose his mind – if he hadn't lost it already.

"Okay," I muttered as I walked away. I'd tell Madam Pomfrey, I thought as I wearily finished making my rounds and headed up wearily to the Gryffindor Tower.

xxx

It's interesting, how I can remember that scene now, but… the morning I woke up, I'd forgotten.

There's lots of things I can remember _now_, but I'd forgotten, or hadn't consciously noticed back then… but I suppose… it's the nature of life.

xxx

"So… are you still up for trying out for Quidditch?" Harry asked me cheerfully, during dinner the next day.

"Erm… yes!" I said instantly.

"Ron, don't talk with your mouth full," Hermione scolded me. I swallowed and smiled at her brightly, before leaning in and giving her a quick and chaste kiss.

When I pulled away, I could see the stars shining in her eyes.

"Yes," I told Harry, "yes, I'm still up for it."

"Good," said Harry, a smile on his face, "I wouldn't want to do the try outs without you trying for the team. You'll come and watch, won't you Hermione?"

"What?" asked Hermione, "Oh, yes. Yes, I'll be watching you."

She seemed distracted, frowning as she looked over across the Great Hall. I guess she must've been in deep thought.

"I… have to go," said Hermione abruptly. She stood up and I started to stand, even though I wasn't finished eating yet.

"No," said Hermione, waving at me with her hand, gesturing for me to sit down again. "You can stay here, Ron."

Harry looked mildly surprised, "What? You mean you're actually going somewhere alone, 'Mione?"

"Yes, Harry," said Hermione. Finally she sighed, saying, "Look, I have to go to the loo."

"Oh," we said and blushed as she walked away.

I watched her until I noticed Harry watching her walk away with a look in his eyes I didn't recognize. I watched him watch her walk away.

He gave a small sigh, turning to me, saying, wryly, "I get the feeling… she's not telling us something… you know?"

"Yeah," I said. "I get the same feeling. Maybe it's just some girl thing."

"Yeah," said Harry. "Maybe."

But he didn't sound convinced.

* * *

– Shakespeare

* * *

A/N: Ron… my guess would be that he's always _felt_ inferior to Harry. He's not – he's a good kid – he just doesn't see it. Anyway… just so you know, I highly doubt they're canon, so I'm saying they're OCC. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. The chapter quote comes from Macbeth

**Review Responses:**

**gaija**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**Sarah123Babe**

Thanks for taking the time to review : ). I do like to read your thoughts and comments.

And actually, just because of that, I'm doing a "Board of Recognition". The person will change every month. For more information, visit the profile (I explain it there, and you get the visual).

Btw, this isn't edited yet (not really… I don't count a quick read through as editing.)

See you

Keir


	5. III: Watching Shadows

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Crying out for the last time

Clear a space for the warning signs"

**

* * *

**

III

**Watching Shadows**

"Look, I have to go to the loo," I told them.

"Oh," Harry and Ron said in unison. They looked so embarrassed, I almost felt sorry for them.

I could feel my heart beating fast against my throat as I walked out of the Great Hall, feeling their eyes on me.

Ironically enough, I didn't lie to them.

I was following Malfoy.

Draco Malfoy always fascinated me to some degree. Oh, it wasn't that I had a _crush_ on him – it was more that I was curious about him. You see, many people didn't notice this, but half of the time Draco Malfoy was quiet. When he wasn't taunting or insulting someone, he was quiet. He seemed like a shadow… too two-dimensional to be real. He never changed, never did anything except have a smart mouth, as the saying goes.

Nobody knew anything about him – they just knew what he wanted them to know, which was not much. Nobody had known he had an older brother. Nobody had known anything about him.

Another thing – I was curious. Why – _why_ would Draco Malfoy run from the "Dark Lord"?

He had not stayed to fight the war. The war was over, but I think the aftershocks were still occurring everywhere in the Wizarding world. People were still digging through the rubble of the war and digging out bodies.

I wondered if he even knew that Narcissa had killed herself. I hadn't seen anything unusual but I hadn't been watching for it. So, when I saw Malfoy get up and walk out of the Great Hall so abruptly, I followed him.

Like I said, I told Harry and Ron a lie – that I was going to the bathroom, when I was really following Malfoy. I ended up hesitating outside the boys' bathroom door. That's when I heard it.

Someone was retching.

I hesitated. I was about to go into the bathroom when suddenly, Ginny said, "Hermione! There you are! I've been looking for you."

"Oh?" I said, turning away from the door and walked back with Ginny to the Great Hall and listened to her mindless patter about so and so – did I think Harry was "hot" – did I think Seamus was looking good lately, considering what he'd been through?

Did I hear that they found Goyle's body… that kind of stuff.

Poor Malfoy, though. He'd lost more than half of his friends – if they were ever friends at all.

Then again… maybe Ron and Harry were right – Malfoy had always struck me as being cold…

I'd always thought that Malfoy was one of those people – the kind that can't survive without a mask to face the world.

"So… are you and Ron going out? For real – is it finally official?" Ginny asked me, distracting me from my musing.

"Well," I said, "Ron and I are dating… sort of, yes…" We'd discussed getting married. We'd said we were getting married.

"He's such an idiot," Ginny said rolling her eyes. "But you'll see… he'll eventually see what you're worth."

I smiled weakly, thinking, _but I don't know if I'm ready to commit… I love him… but am I ready for forever?_

* * *

– Shinedown

* * *

A/N: I would think Hermione wouldn't really hate Draco Malfoy. I think he'd confuse her and puzzle her. She doesn't really think Draco Malfoy's evil, if the way she acts towards the idea Draco Malfoy could be a Death Eater in the books. She's very against it, isn't she? 

As for her uncertainty… well, Hermione was never one to rush headlong into something, now was she?

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

N/A

**Review Responses:**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**: He's not one of my favs either : ), but he's a good character.

**ashmoon**

**Sarah123Babe**

**SweetNightmares**

Tnx for reviewing! I really appreciate the feedback, though, I don't get that many reviews on this story. Guess most people like the barrel of laughs, huh? Ah, well, at least I've got some. Anyway, check out what's on my profile… just the Board of Recognition, and I'm going to try to set up some system of dates when I update, rather than leaving it to whenever. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter of Hermione's. Next chapter's Ginny. As a hint… well, pay attention to warning label number one … lol.

P.S: Sorry for any mistakes - I did this in a hurry. Unlike most people, I don't have a realsummer vacation!


	6. IV: The Silence Weeps

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love."

* * *

**IV**

**The Silence Weeps**

"He's such an idiot," I said rolling my eyes. "But you'll see… he'll eventually see what you're worth."

Hermione smiled at me and we walked back to the Gryffindor common room. I saw Harry sitting in a soft armchair by the fire with Ron. I couldn't look at him. I mean… I just couldn't.

I knew he didn't love me – not the way I loved him. I told him that I'd wait for him. But I knew that he wasn't going to come back to me. I was just a little girl and he was a boy who'd been through too much.

"Are you all right?" Hermione asked me. I nodded.

"Yeah," I whispered. "I'm all right."

"Good," said Hermione. "You deserve to be happy, Ginny."

Happy. God, what a riot. As if I could ever be happy now. I had loved Harry Potter, but he was gone.

Oh, he was still alive – he still acted like everything was normal, but Voldemort had killed something inside him. The thing that had made him my Harry.

I wanted that Harry back. I hadn't known – hadn't wanted to believe that the war could affect him anywhere nearly as bad as it had. But the point is it _had_ affected him.

"I'm going to bed," I announced to Hermione. She nodded at me and I turned toward the stairs, heading for the girls' dormitories. I had the room to myself. Most of the girls in my year had gone away. They'd fled the war, fleeing to the States, Canada… anywhere that wasn't Europe.

I sat on my bed and thought of Hermione.

She was perfect. My brother Ron liked her, you see… They were getting married. She had the perfect life. Her crush had become her boyfriend and now… they were getting married. Hermione was getting the happily ever after _I_ wanted. It wasn't fair! _I_ wanted my happily ever after… my boyfriend.

In that moment I hated Hermione with all the fire in my heart. She had the perfect life I wanted. She had the life I was never going to have…

Because my boyfriend was now the ex-boyfriend who'd forgotten I exist.

I turned to the side. As I did, I saw something glinting out of my bag at the foot of the bed. I clambered out of bed and went to see what it was.

For a moment I stared at the ivory handle of a knife. I couldn't remember packing into my bag or where I'd gotten it.

_It's like nothing you've ever felt… it feels so good…_ the words drifted within my mind. One of my friends had used a knife.

I had never used a knife.

Before I thought it through, I took the knife and drew a horizontal line across my skin. Tiny little droplets of blood came to the surface.

It wasn't deep, but the tiny amount of blood fascinated me. It made me feel so much better.

For what felt like the first time in ages, I smiled and drew another line across it – not too deep because I didn't want to commit suicide. I just wanted to see the blood and feel the pain.

Physical pain is so much better than inner pain.

* * *

– Sigmund Freud

* * *

A/N: Yeah… this is why the warning label says "self-harm" now instead of what it used to when I first posted up the first chapter "eating disorder" 

And, while I don't really believe Ginny would hurt herself, she'd be a better choice simply because she's a bit of mystery. _She_ broke up with all her previous boyfriends. Harry was the first (only?) boyfriend to break up with _her_… that's the reason…

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. On this one – the last line, "Physical pain is so much better than inner pain" – it's not exactly a quote but something I've come to believe. Or something I believe most human beings tend to believe in consciously or subconsciously. Most people would rather someone punch them than to make them feel bad about themselves – it's the way most people make up their own punishment. Their conscience beats them up more than anything we could say. The guilty feel much worse than they would if they got physically punished. That's probably why corporeal abuse isn't nearly as good as emotional abuse. Emotional touches the core while if you abuse the body – it's just the body, not a person's soul. Also, many "cutters" believe it's better to hurt physically than emotionally. Because if it hurts physically, it has a way of healing, but if the wounds are inside the soul, how is that going to heal?

All of that comes from research done over many years, but don't take me at my word. This is going into psychology and that's a soft science and not everyone agrees!

**Review Response**:

**Rabidbutterfly**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**Sarah123Babe**

**ashmoon**

Thanks for taking the time to review! Sorry I'm taking a bit longer to update. Unfortunately, summer's the busiest time of the year for me.

Again, I put this up in a hurry… Anyway, check out my profile!

_beannachd leibh!_

Keir

P.S: Supposedly it means goodbye in Scottish Gaelic. But I don't know Gaelic, so sorry if I got it wrong.

Oh, and check out my sister's new story:** Beware the shoe**. Her penname's **I am the muse of the evil genius**. And speaking of my sister... our birthday is coming up!


	7. V: Broken Mirror

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Is it the world, or my eyes, that are sadder?

I see not the grace that I used to see."

**

* * *

**

V

**Broken Mirror**

Draco was sick again. I knew it was because of the letter. That cruel and callous letter informing him that he was now tied with Harry Potter in wealth as a result of his mother's demise at her own hand. She took poison, they said.

Draco didn't need that. _It's the last thing he needs_, I thought angrily. I was sitting with Blaise in the Seventh Year boys' dorm. It was only him and Draco now… and me because I had abandoned the girls dormitory and opted to sleep in what had once been Theodore Nott's bed, I believe.

"He's just lying there," Blaise told me when I walked into the room. "I tried getting him to respond, but…" he looked at me helplessly.

I sighed. "Give it time, Blaise. Remember how he was when he found out that his father was in jail? And Sixth Year?"

Blaise remembered.

I looked at him. Draco was so pale… so fragile looking, lying there in the bed, eyes closed.

"Pansy…" Blaise said, suddenly catching my chin in his dark hand. I looked up at him. "He'll be all right. Draco's strong… we both know that."

His hand dropped and I nodded. "I know."

"Good," he said.

Blaise liked me for reasons I didn't know.

Maybe Hermione Granger didn't know I could hear her when she called me a stupid cow, but I did hear her. I heard other people too.

_She's Malfoy's slut…_

_She was the Death Eaters whore – didn't you hear that was how she wasn't killed_

_Stupid Pansy. Doesn't have a brain… and I can't say much for her looks either. All her charm is that she's a good fucktoy, I hear._

I heard them and oh, how it hurt. Draco used to make me feel better because he'd let me hold him, stroke his hair.

I'd kiss him on occasion and he'd let me. He wouldn't pull away, but he never kissed me back. Draco was there for me and now…

I had to be there for him… but unlike Blaise and me, Draco wasn't alone in the world. He had his brother, Acheron to watch over him.

It's funny, you know. Acheron looked nothing like Draco – at all. The first time I met him, I was shocked.

He had dark, dark hair – so dark it looked blue. He had Draco's silver eyes, but he was taller than tall. His face was slightly rounder than Draco's, not as pointy, soft where Draco was sharp. He wasn't fat, but he wasn't thin – slim is the word, I believe.

Draco said that he looked more like a Black than a Malfoy – maybe that was why he'd gotten away without being detected for so long in the Muggle world. Acheron was very different – dark where Draco was pale.

I suppose I had a schoolgirl's crush on Acheron Malfoy – I knew every detail from the tiny scar that crossed his left eyebrow, the curl of his inky black eyelashes, the lightly tanned face…

But it was over. I couldn't have him and he didn't know I was alive. Besides, Blaise liked me and he was nice too. He acted a little colder sometimes, but… times had changed.

Oh, how times had changed.

Voldemort was gone – no one was left to tell us to hate the Mudbloods and Draco might as well have become a Mudblood, seeing as he'd come back his pockets full of little thin boxes and a somewhat flat box he called a 'gameboy' and something about video games, fast cars…

He spoke of the internet, of the computers – of mechanics in a car. He spoke about something called the telly. He spoke of other things too – Muggle schools, their classes, and subjects. And he spoke of felly – tellytones… whatever that was.

He spoke of airplanes and how they applied so-and-so's law of blah. He spoke of things Blaise and I didn't understand at all.

He wrote constantly to a group of friends that were all Muggle – none of them knew _he_ wasn't Muggle at all. They thought he liked birds and so he used them to deliver messages.

He spoke of his brother and how they'd gone on trips to Australia, Brazil, Italy, and other places during the school breaks. And he said he wished he could go back to the Muggle school – he'd liked it there more than he liked Hogwarts.

We were shocked.

It wasn't like Draco at all. Draco had always been against the Mudbloods – he'd always hated them. He'd never liked them… and yet… somewhere along the way the war had turned him into a Muggle-lover.

It broke my heart to see him like this. I hoped that someday he'd be right in his mind. I really did.

xxx

"Ms. Parkinson," the new teacher – Professor Greene – said in Transfiguration. "Explain the concept of transfiguring solid objects into liquids."

I started. I'd been watching Draco. There was something… odd about him. He seemed thin…

Mind you, Draco was always thin. Every year, though… there was something that I couldn't figure out. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, so thin and ill-looking that I turned my head to look at him properly. Thing was, he looked perfectly healthy, perfectly arrogant and insolent. He looked like he was absolutely perfect; not a hair out of place, his head held up arrogantly as he listened or pretended to listen to the teacher.

"I… uh… I… er… that is," I stuttered and felt my face slowly burning as the class began to snicker.

"Tsk, tsk," Professor Greene said, "not paying attention, are we, Miss Parkinson? Ten points from Slytherin."

The Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and Gryffindors – _especially_ the Gryffindors looked pleased with themselves.

Blaise looked at me sadly and Draco didn't react. I expected them both to react, or not react, they way they had.

Greene was explaining the concept when the bell sounded and there was a rush of sound as people put their things away.

xxx

"I hate this," Blaise said when we sat together during lunch.

"It can't be helped," Draco responded, staring down at his food.

"Yes it can!" I said suddenly. "Don't give up – remember Draco? That's what you told us all when we were all down. We _have_ to make them all see that we're not nearly as bad as they make us be!"

"It's not that simple, Pans," Draco told me. "We can't convince people to give us a chance now. Not when for the past several years we've only confirmed their beliefs that we're evil."

"It's not too late," I insisted. "Look, just figure out a way to get with the Golden Trio and if we can convince _them_, we can convince the rest."

"And how do you propose we do that?" Blaise asked gloomily. "We can't."

"Yes, Pansy," Draco said, ignoring Blaise's answer. "Tell us, please, what you propose?"

"Well…" I hesitated. "I'm sorry, Draco… but you're going to have to do most of the work here. Go to them and apologize. Convince them you're sorry for everything you've done to them."

"But that'd be a lie," Draco said flatly. "I haven't got any regrets. Live your life with no regrets, remember?"

"Sure you don't," I said dryly. "But seriously, Draco… you're going to have to convince them… for us."

Draco's shoulders slumped slightly before he nodded. "All right, Pans. I'll try. That's all I'm promising."

I nodded and smiled sadly at his unspoken words – _I can't do everything._

_I know_… I know, Draco.

And I can only hope someday you'll be happy with yourself.

* * *

– Ella Wheeler Wilcox

* * *

A/N: I did Pansy simply because a surprising number of people view her as "evil" (or at least, I've rarely come across a story where she's not evil). I kind of wanted to do a different take on her… and I honestly don't know if I succeeded with that.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. There IS a bell at Hogwarts. In the American version of the book "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" in the chapter about Norbert the Dragon, Ron and Hermione were arguing about whether or not to miss Herbology in order to go and watch the dragon hatch. They end up going to class and everyone – or so I'm assuming, knows what happens because they've read the books. In the paragraph that begins with Ron and Hermione arguing, it says "the bell sounded," thus proving my point that there is a bell at Hogwarts.

Yes, I'm obsessed… more or less… And I probably didn't have to tell you that – you all already knew, right?

**Review Responses**:

**Sarah123Babe**

**Maggot Death**

**sweetlildevil512**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**: Yes… she's a cutter… Though, actually as far as the "serious" problems go, it's just Ginny and Draco. But mostly this story revolves around Draco… for the most part.

Anyway, to all who reviewed – thanks for taking the time to review! I appreciate it.

Drop me a line, telling me your thoughts and comments. Be nice and constructive, please.

Hope to see you next chapter!

Keir

P.S.: Since you may be curious who's telling the story – Harry, Draco, Pansy, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Luna and I added Acheron as a character, but he's only got one chapter to narrate.


	8. VI: Regrets

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"One of the most lasting pleasures you can experience is the feeling that comes over you when you genuinely forgive an enemy - whether he knows it or not."

**

* * *

**

VI

**Regrets**

I was in the library. Ron says I live in the library – he also told me that if we get the money, he'll build me a library in our home.

He's so sweet sometimes. Occasionally, he's an ass, but he's my ass.

"Er… Granger?" I turned around and saw Draco Malfoy standing right behind me. I studied him and he studied me in silence.

"You look… all right," he said abruptly.

"You don't look so bad yourself," I told him. "Looks like you weren't affected by the war." I put my hand over my mouth. I wished I hadn't said that.

He didn't say anything before he nodded slowly, taking a deep breath.

"I… um… wanted to talk to you…and Potter… and that boyfriend of yours."

"Oh?" I said, trying to sound interested. Thing is, I wasn't. I wasn't interested in hearing what Draco Malfoy had to say.

"Yeah," he said.

"Well, look, Malfoy, I'll tell Harry and Ron you want to talk to the three of us, but I've got work to do." I turned away and started to work on my essay for Ancient Runes. It wasn't due for another two weeks, but I really didn't want to leave it until the last minute.

I looked carefully at it, making certain there were no mistakes.

I hate mistakes more than anything else. Ron says I shouldn't try so hard, but I believe that I need to meet the high expectations I have of myself. Frankly, I don't give a damn if I'm not perfect, but my research and my homework need to be accurate and as close to perfect as I can get them. That's all I ask for and so, here I was, in the library working on homework. Later tonight I was going to go over Harry and Ron's homework as well.

I sat back after a while, working out a cramp from my hand. It hurt from writing so much. I looked through my work carefully, searching for mistakes.

I needed to study, and so I drew myself up a study schedule. Then I went to the common room to talk to Harry and Ron.

xxx

"So…" said Harry. "You wanted to talk to us."

"Spit it out, Ferretboy," Ron said coldly.

I was silent, watching Malfoy. He seemed a little paler than usual, a little… stressed out.

"Look," said Malfoy, "I just wanted to tell you… I'm sorry for how I've acted in the past. I was wondering if we could start over and –"

"No," I said flatly. Ron and Harry looked like they approved of my decision.

"Yeah, Malfoy," said Ron. "We don't want you around – at all. So piss off."

Malfoy turned to Harry.

"I can't," said Harry. "I'm sorry – I can't just forgive you because you _ask_ me to!"

But I could. I could forgive him.

"Look, Malfoy," I said quietly, "I forgive you, for what it's worth."

"_What!_" Ron spluttered and Harry mouthed silently at me.

"But I can't start over… I can't promise you that we'll be friends. You've hurt me… my friends – the people I care about. Some of them you can't ask forgiveness from, Malfoy. I'll forgive you, but I won't be friends with you."

"All right," Malfoy whispered. He turned to go, his spirit seemed dejected and yet… he held himself with some pride. "It's more than I expected, anyway," he added in a voice so soft it barely carried across the room.

I stopped – everything in me stopped. There was something… something…

"Malfoy, wait!" I called out to his back, but he was already gone. I was talking to the door as it swung shut behind him.

I'd realized what was off…

The sheen of tears in his eyes as he refused to let them fall, for Draco Malfoy was far too proud to let those tears fall.

* * *

– O. A. Battista.

* * *

A/N: Does the title make any sense? Or even the quote! I really, _really_ don't think I did this justice at all. I can't write it the way I want… But I hope you liked it anyway. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. That Draco wouldn't cry – as we all know, he _can_ cry and he does cry. Except I'm assuming as he was crying in a bathroom that he does not cry in public – or at least he tries not to cry, because I'm pretty sure I've read about him crying more than once. It's just never been a big fuss about it before the sixth book.

**Review Response:**

**Moonlit Eyes:** I loved your review! It gives me true feedback!

**ashmoon**

**FieryAries313:** Is she really? I'm afraid I can't really picture Pansy acting like Hermione, though.

**NinjaoftheDarkness**: lol. I totally agree. Although… "motherly" might be a bit of a stretch. Good friend, maybe. But definitely warmer than most people would think she is!

**Sarah123Babe**

Thank you so very much for taking the time to review!

I love getting reviews, but as always, I don't demand them. I definitely don't hold back my chapters. I update whenever I feel like it or when I have the time. Although, I am trying to up a specific date for updates on the Time Board on my profile...

Anyway, please drop me line if you'd like. Be nice and constructive!

Keir the evil genius

P.S: Everyone, please review to say an early happy birthday to me and my sister, Arwen, who also happens to be my wonderful beta (and muse!). There's only a few days left!


	9. VII: Dead Ends

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"And nothing to look backward to with pride

And nothing to look forward to with hope"

**

* * *

**

VII

**Dead Ends**

"Look," I said to the Golden Trio, "I just wanted to tell you… I'm sorry for how I've acted in the past. I was wondering if we could start over and –"

"No," Granger said flatly. Weasley and Potter looked like they agreed with her.

_I'm sorry_, I thought. I could feel my throat tightening.

"Yeah, Malfoy," said Weasley, "we don't want you around – at all. So piss off."

I didn't want to – it hurt again because I was already down and Weasley had just kicked me down even further. I just needed for Potter to kick me a little bit more.

"I can't," he said. "I'm sorry – I can't just forgive you because you _ask_ me to!"

I understood. I really did. My behavior was unforgivable. And there was my soul, back into the gutter. Granger opened her mouth and I wanted to tell her, _go on, tell me what a sonofabitch I am… how unfeeling, how I'm a bleeding monster, a waste of human life. Go on, kick me a little more. I just died anyway, go on._

"Look, Malfoy," she said. "I forgive you, for what it's worth."

"_What!_" Weasley spluttered in the far distance.

_Thank you for the venom, Granger_, I thought. I swallowed and felt my eyes beginning to burn.

I was_ not_ going to cry.

"But I can't start over… I can't promise you that we'll be friends. You've hurt me… my friends – the people I care about. Some of them you can't ask forgiveness from, Malfoy. I'll forgive you, but I won't be friends with you."

_Longbottom_, I thought and I felt even worse.

"All right," I managed to whisper. I turned to go; my soul was already shattered anyway. I didn't have any pride left. There wasn't anything to hope for anymore. I was just as lost in a world that was too cruel. Yet, Granger's words gave me a little bit of hope.

"It's more than I expected, anyway."

Did I say that aloud? I let the door swing shut behind me.

_I'm sorry. I tried, Pansy._ _Really, I did._

xxx

My throat hurt.

I sat the Slytherin table, watching Pansy and Blaise flirt. I was glad for them, really I was. They both deserved to be happy. They deserved it more than I did.

I looked down at my food and quickly looked around before I whispered a quick word.

I didn't want to go and throw up. It was wrong – I know it's wrong, but I _have to_ get it out. I can't stand food in my stomach.

It growled at me now, but I ignored it. I always ignored it at home. Nobody cared. Besides, it was my control. I _need_ control.

And if it kills me, I refuse to give into my body's demands. I don't care. I WON'T EAT. I _can't_.

I made it disappear and I felt much better. It was gone.

_But it looked delicious_.

_No_, I told myself firmly. _I won't eat. If I don't eat I'll pass that stupid Charms exam._

"Hey, Draco," said Pansy, holding out her fork. "Here, try this – this is delicious."

"What is it?" I asked warily. _No… No, I don't want it!_

"Knickerbocker glory," she said. "It's been charmed not to melt. Here, open your mouth."

_I'll get rid of it._ _I swear I will_, I thought.

I opened my mouth and allowed her to feed me. It tasted _so_ good. My stomach growled even more, but I refused after she fed me three spoonfuls of the ice cream dessert.

"I'm going to bed," I told them. "I'm tired."

They nodded as Pansy started feeding Blaise and Blaise fed her. It was disgusting, really. But hey, who am I to judge?

xxx

I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. I'd eaten that crap. How the bloody hell could I have taken that in? I felt nauseous – I needed to get rid of it. I stumbled out of bed and went to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me, without turning on the lights and slid my finger down my throat. I felt the bile coming up my throat and I threw up gratefully, but I kept my fingers in my throat – I needed to get rid of everything.

Finally, I was sure there was nothing left. I stood up and washed my mouth, along with my hands. No one knew, I told myself. Pansy and Blaise weren't back yet, so there was no way they might've heard.

I sighed and went out of the dormitory. There was no way I was going to sleep now.

"Draco!" Blaise said.

"Ow!" I said landing sprawled inelegantly on the stairs.

"Sorry!" he said, peering at me in concern.

"It's all right." I told him, taking Pansy hand and let her help me up.

"I thought you were asleep," Pansy said.

"I was." I told them. "Now I'm not and I can't go back to sleep."

"I'll get you a potion," Pansy told me.

"No. It's all right. I'm going to go out for a run."

"A run?"

"Yes," I said. It was something I'd picked up recently from the Muggle world. Back at home – back at the Haven, I mean, not Malfoy Manor. Malfoy Manor was my father's home. The Haven was my home – and my brother's.

Acheron had made it my home when he took me in and taught me that even a Malfoy can love. He taught me new values. I don't know how, but somehow he'd integrated his beliefs into me, breaking through my Father's beliefs.

Now, I think it was love. It had to have been because he loved me. Acheron… I knew he loved me – I don't know exactly how or why, but I knew that he was the only person in the world who loved me unconditionally.

He was my big brother… my new role model and when he'd suggested I go to the Muggle school nearby, I'd gone to make him happy.

It was there that I'd picked up the idea of jogging, of running laps. Melson, one of my mates, took me out for a morning run and now, I ran whenever I felt everything was going out of control.

I need control. I don't know why – just need it.

It was dark, but the sky was lightening up as the new day dawned and I was surprised at how long I'd slept and it made me uneasy.

So I ran around the Black Lake. One lap, two laps… three… four…

I'd run until I was tired.

xxx

"What were you doing this morning?" Granger asked me rudely when she cornered me in the library.

"I thought you weren't my friend – that you'd forgive me, but you wouldn't go for friendship."

"I do forgive you," she said. "And as a concerned _classmate_, I'm asking you – what were you doing this morning?"

"Running laps," I told her. "Is that a crime?"

She flushed darkly before she said, "Why?"

"Why _what_?"

"Why were you running laps?"

"Because exercise makes me feel better – happy?" I asked her shortly.

She looked at me suspiciously.

"And why do you care, Granger?"

"I don't," she told me.

"So, then mind your own business," I retorted.

"But Harry does," she told me and I stopped in the middle of taking a breath to talk.

Har – I mean, _Potter_ cared?

_I know you hate me,_ I thought at her darkly, _but please don't do this to me. Don't you dare make me think anyone cares about me because it'll hurt all the more when I realize they don't._

"Yes," she said. "Harry cares about you. I don't know why, I can't tell you how he cares, I just know. I saw his face when he was watching you out the window."

xxx

I ate an apple. It was dinner and Pansy was talking softly to Blaise. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew that they were talking about me. I bit into the apple, the taste filling my mouth. I chewed it slowly, before letting it fall down into my throat. It immediately tightened and I felt like throwing up, but I forced myself to swallow it. I took another bite, trying to ignore how my stomach protested and welcomed it.

_Don't be sick…_

"Draco?" Pansy said, turning to look at me.

"What is it, Pansy?" I asked her finally, swallowing.

"Have you eaten at all today?"

"I'm eating!" I told her, taking a big bite out of my apple to prove my point.

"Aside from that apple," Blaise said.

"What does it matter to you?" I asked warily. I'd had people forcing me to eat. Acheron had dragged me to a Muggle hospital thing and they'd stuck a needle in my arm. I'd convinced them I was fine. They couldn't do anything.

_You mustn't lose any more weight, Draco_.

_I'm fine! There's nothing wrong – just leave me alone._

"We're your friends," said Pansy. "And you're our friend. Draco… you're looking… a little too thin…"

"I'm fine!" I snapped. "Mind your own business Pansy! It's my business what I eat and what I don't!"

There was a ringing silence. Slowly I turned and realized how loud my voice had been. I'd literally screamed it at her. I saw people looking at me…

I saw Potter's green eyes looking at me.

"What?" I asked sharply.

Slowly they turned back to their food. And a moment later, everyone forgot about it. I knew they had because everyone always forgot. Besides they had no idea what I was talking about. And I didn't have a problem. I don't.

Pansy looked at me reproachfully. "I'm sorry, Draco. We were just… worried about you. But… I guess it's understandable."

I laughed, "It's okay Pansy." _Understandable_? It was my control. How could she understand _that_? "I'm just a little stressed out," I continued. "My appetite's not doing so well lately… not with my…" I trailed off.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. I forgave her and she knew I did.

xxx

I walked into the bathroom. I'd eaten an entire meal today – at dinner. It was settling uneasily into my stomach and I'd eaten to make Pansy happy – and Acheron. We hadn't talked much lately; he was the new head of our house and the Muggle Studies professor.

I quickly looked around, making sure no one was inside the boys' bathroom.

_Good, _I thought to myself._ They can't make me stop. _They can't make me lose my control – this is my control, I told myself as I slid my fingers down my throat. I didn't even have to do it too much before I started throwing up into the toilet. I kept my fingers inside my throat, trying to make sure that everything was gone. This is my control – food. It is the one thing I have control of – if I cannot control my life, I thought then… then I'd control this.

I retched again, but nothing came out. It was gone – I hoped. I flushed the toilet and yanked the door of the stall opened only to find the Mudblood – Granger, ready to knock. She stared at me.

_What are you doing here? Don't you realize this is a boys' restroom? Maybe you just got all that mud in your brain and you can't figure it out._ I wanted to scream it at her. But I didn't. I'd already called that truce with her. But I had the panicky sensation that I was running on a floor that was slipping underneath my feet. Granger was much too smart. She'd figure it out – _insult her you idiot_, I mentally screamed at myself. She wouldn't be able to think if I infuriated her.

"Malfoy,"Granger said"what happened? You look sick… you sounded like you were sick."

_No, I'm fine. Thanks. I don't need your concern –_ that's what I wanted to tell her, but my voice wouldn't for some mysterious reason.

"Go to Madam Pomfrey," Granger told me then, looking at me with the same expression Pansy had looked at me during dinner.

_No, I don't think I will. I'm fine,_ I thought as I shook my head mutely.

She frowned at me before she said, "You need to take care of yourself, Malfoy. I think you need to go to Madam Pomfrey."

"I'm fine!" I told her finally.

Slowly, she nodded, but she still had that expression on her face that said she didn't believe me. She cast one last look at me as she walked out of the boys' bathroom. Then she was gone, leaving me by myself once again. I looked at myself again in the mirror. I was fine. I was better than fine – I was perfect and in control.

I nodded at myself in the mirror as I brought my hand up to touch my throat. Through the glamour spell I'd perfected and cast since third year, when Madam Pomfrey had clucked over my weight and how bony I looked, I could feel the hardness of the bone. I could stick almost my whole finger into the dip between my collarbone and my throat. But there was nothing wrong with that.

xxx

The next day, when I took a shower, I was washing my hair, when a few strands of it fell out in my hand. I stared.

I didn't know why it was falling out. I shivered. There was nothing wrong. Right? There's nothing wrong with not eating… right? There might be something wrong with eating and throwing it up, but there's nothing wrong with not eating.

I just need to control it. I can control it. I'm still in control. And as long as I'm in control… I'll be perfect.

* * *

– Robert Frost

* * *

**A/N**: As you might've already noticed, the first scene overlaps with Hermione's last scene. Anyway... people _do_ notice the problem. They just don't register it. And as for Draco's running laps… well, anorexia is two things – not eating or a severe diet or normal food intake and usually, but not always paired with _way_ too much exercise. Oh, and the second to last scene in this chapter is the first scene in the "Prologue" 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. All right then, just for the record… Most people with bulimia won't admit there's something wrong to other people, but they admit to themselves. Mind you, this is most bulimics – not all. Now, anorexia is different. The people with anorexia have a very bad problem. Most of them don't admit they've got a problem. Kind of like an addiction, I suppose. To the anorexic, it makes perfect sense that they don't eat. It makes sense to them and they truly believe it's logical. That is, until it starts falling apart and they start getting sick. That's when it begins to dawn on them that they've got a problem. Now, all of this is drawn from research. I've never had the anorexic eating disorder… I'm not so sure I've never had an eating disorder at all since more people than you might think have eating disorders – they just don't realize it. Like, for example, someone who eats one small meal a day will deny they are anorexic because they eat. Let's say they eat bread and water and nothing else. They're anorexic because they're severely limiting their nutritional intake. Now, let's take someone who eats when they're bored. They're not compulsive eaters yet – but they've got a higher risk of becoming compulsive eaters. Obesity – that's another eating disorder and it's probably underestimated since most people focus on anorexia. There's tons of eating disorders out there… and I'll stop rambling on this subject. I'll ramble when I've got a medical class that deals with eating disorders. I'll get an M.D. someday (I hope… just need to pass my classes with flying colors so I can go to Harvard Medical…eek!)

Oh, yeah – anorexics lose their hair sometimes – or it becomes thinner because it's really unhealthy! Dry skin, hair. Brittle hair and fingernails… can't remember why off-hand, but there's a medical reason for it. (Sorry about rambling!)

**B/N**: I think it has something to do with vitamin deficiencies caused by not eating, but I'm not sure.

**Review Response:**

**Hyuga Kyuuketsuki**

**Sarah123Babe**

**Moonlit Eyes:** Good question. I like it when people ask questions (it helps me write, anyway.) It's a Game Boy, yes, because Game Boys have been around since the 21st of April in 1989. Though, actually, I'd say it'd be a Game Boy Color, since that was released in Japan in 1998… October, I think it was. That version came here the next month. So, Draco's Game Boy would be either one. As for how it works at Hogwarts, well, that's a minor aspect of the story, and it was Pansy who noticed it and pointed out. She's not Hermione, so she wouldn't ask. And Hermione herself probably wouldn't notice if Draco Malfoy _had_ a Game Boy in the Slytherin dorms… Well, let's just say, it was magically manipulated. Good question, though! (Sorry… I'm a little obsessed with video games….)

**Kekepania1**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

Thnx to all of you who reviewed! Although, I'm sorry I don't answer everyone individually, but I've heard stories get taken down for that… Anyway, thanks so much! I appreciate it a lot (even when it does kill my inbox). Anyway, I'm sorry to say this is the last chapter you'll be getting from me in a quite a while. I'll try to update ASAP, but… life is calling me! But don't worry, this story, at least, is completed. All I need to do is post it up.

P.S: When I made Acheron the head of the Slytherin House and the Muggle Studies teacher, I thought it'd make a great lark! I mean, really, Slytherin and Muggle Studies? Don't mix, but oh, well… Hope you liked!

P.P.S: Does the title of thischaptermake sense?


	10. VIII: Ghost

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

READ THIS: Um… I updated this really fast because I won't have time at all for the rest of the month! So that means, I have no idea when the next update's coming. Anyway, on toward the story…

* * *

"Now we see the empty stage

The act is gone, the empty page

The tears between the lines"

* * *

VIII

**Ghost**

Loony. Luna. Hush, sweet children under the moon, for I am just a ghost drifting on by. Look at me, but don't look too closely. Come children, I'll gather you into my arms and whisper to you of the secrets of the ghosts and the dying. I'll tell you there's a world beyond what we see.

See my eyes. See my moonlight colored hair…

I'll only show you the smoke and the mirror. I'm an illusion.

I sat down near the wall, next to shadows and watched as Hermione Granger walked out of the boys' bathroom. Draco Malfoy was going to die.

I knew it then and I know it now. Everyone dies eventually. Even me.

I took a breath and crossed the hall, silently, waiting for Draco Malfoy to come out of the bathroom. I took him in with my eyes. I see what eye hath not seen.

Draco Malfoy was slowly dying of self-starvation.

Harry Potter was smothering under a vast emptiness. Spinning out of control, we all were. Alone in a universal vortex of depression – watch us sink. But sooner or later, we'll rise again. Never doubt that.

I watched them. I could see that Hermione Granger's greatest fear was someone telling her that she was a failure.

Draco Malfoy wanted control of his own life and the way he controlled it was by starving himself.

Harry Potter wanted to disappear. He was a hero in the world without a villain to fight.

Ginny Weasley was a teenage love-struck girl who wanted to die because the idea she loved was dead.

Ronald Weasley wanted to be noticed – he wanted to outshine the brightest of bright. He wanted to step out from under the shadows cast by his best friend, Harry Potter the Savior of the World.

Pansy Parkinson wanted the world to accept her for what she was… for the world to understand her.

You see? I'm a ghost. No one knows about me.

I am Luna Lovegood and I am invisible.

There was one person who fascinated me… Acheron Malfoy. Who was he? I didn't know that yet, but I'd find out.

I wasn't a Ravenclaw for nothing like many people think I was. They all saw what I showed them.

It's lovely, is it not? How people only see what we project and never see past it to our souls. I am the Moon. Luna.

I see you but I am a distant world. You'll never know me or my secrets.

"Hello, Luna," Ginny Weasley told me. I smiled at her and said something that was nearly as vague as the centaur's words.

"Oh… yes…" said Ginny. I smiled brightly at her and sauntered away. Not that anyone noticed.

This world is a beautiful disaster waiting to happen. It teeters at the brink of madness and yet all try to find the logic in an illogical universe. Is there a God? Oh, my dear, how can I tell you that when you don't believe what your eyes do not see? Touch, smell, sight… concrete evidence you all demand when the universe has more than that.

Do you believe in the past? Do you believe the past happened at all? The past is relative. You feel it and know it's real when it happens, but… how do you prove it really existed? You can't.

The past and future are nonexistent. Only the present exists.

"Hello, Harry," I said. He was brooding once again. They all brood.

"Hi, Luna," he said quietly.

"Whatever you're thinking," I said, "don't take it too harshly. The answer's relatively simple."

He stared at me.

"Have you ever seen a humdinger?" I asked him.

He stared at me.

"I'm looking at one right now," I told him. I hoped he understood me. I don't know if I acted like what they expected me to act. They want me to be dreamy… and so I am. The universe is wider than our views of it.

But you know, something, I hope someday they will all find their happiness. The problem with the world is that everyone wants more than what they get. But that's my opinion.

* * *

– Unknown

* * *

**A/N**: I honestly don't think I've done Luna's character justice. My impression of her is that she's much more than what people think she is…But I really don't think I've done her justice….Oh, by the way, humdinger (if you don't already know) is a slang word for someone/something exceptional. I figured if anyone would say that word, it'd be Luna.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. The chapter's quotation comes from a song whose name I don't know. I don't even know who sings it – just the lyrics.

2. The universe is wider than our views of it. – Thoreau (?) I don't know for sure this is a quote, but I think it is.

**Review Response:**

**Moonlit Eyes**

**Night Essence**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**Sarah123Babe**

**Govnuk**

**vi riddle**

**Hyuga Kyuuketsuki**

**Selling souls at low prices**

Thanks for taking the time for review! It makes me happy.

Your thoughts are always welcomed! Be nice and constructive!

I'd say more but I'm out of time!

Keir


	11. IX: Facing Your Problems

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

**Warnings:** This chapter is Acheron's chapter. He's an OC (for those of you who don't know what that means, it's an Original Character). Most people don't like OCs, but that's all right.

* * *

"Tell me the one about the hand that holds you down

Because the bruise on your face, it always seems to stay around

And tell me the one about the hand that holds you down

Because you seem to be lost, with no intention to be found"

**

* * *

**

IX

**Facing Your Problems**

There he was, shivering in the night. He was trying to curl up on a park bench and it was the moonlight in his hair that caught my eye as I walked by that park on my way home from the office. The moonlight was the color of his eyes.

Fair hair, light eyes, fair skin to be alabaster. He wore the robes – his clothes would've made him stand out in the middle of a crowd even under a moonless midnight sky. He called out to me, silently, pulling a tie that I'd made myself at the age of seventeen and half.

I'd crept into his room, looking down at the crib. He had the look of our dear hell-sent Father.

From the day of his birth, he was better than me. He did not cry as I had screamed when I was his age. He did not fuss. He was quiet. He made a mewling sound when he needed something and aside from that he was silent. He was barely born and when I stood above him, his eyes opened, already silver like the moonlight. He smiled and made a sound that sounded like laughter.

I was flummoxed. He never laughed when Father was around. He followed Father with his eyes. He was six months and he was not openly curious. He was quietly curious, following things with his eyes. He could crawl, but he only crawled when he wanted to get something and no one was paying attention.

Then he learned to walk.

I was sitting there at dinner with Mother and Father when he figured out how to walk.

Mother had placed him in a little play area just for him. He had a toy wand, a toy broomstick. He had what a rich little boy of the magical world was expected to have.

"Father, you do not understand. I said I do not wish to join _him_. I've heard things about him, you see. You are walking down a path of madness," I'd stated calmly.

"They are lies. The Dark Lord is a great and powerful lord. You shall see, son. You will see. Now enough of this foolishness – I see your grades are abysmal."

I sighed. They were average. I was nowhere near the top of my class or the Slytherin Seventh Years at all. And I had my eye on a certain Muggle-born's sister, who was a Muggle. I'd seen her the year before at the station, running through the station and shrieking as she grabbed her twin sister in a huge that made the Muggle-born twin yelp, but laugh and return the hug. I'd heard the witch telling her Muggle twin sister all about magic and then I'd heard the word 'wicca'.

What the hell was that, I did not know. I resolved to talk to the Muggle Studies professor during the next term after the Christmas holidays.

Suddenly, we heard a light laugh – a giggle. Mother, Father, and I turned to look toward the doorway where on unsteady legs was a tiny blonde. He laughed again and ran across the room and straight toward me.

I was so shocked I didn't move when he climbed up my leg and onto my lap. "Ack!" he said standing on parts of my lap that made me very uncomfortable. Then Mother laughed and said, "It looks like he likes you, Acheron."

My father did not say a word. He didn't react except for the muscle that twitched in his cheek.

Then that June, I left. But not before I crept into his room and he gave me the laugh along with the beautiful smile that he had only for me. I pointed my wand at him and whispered a phrase.

I don't know the language, but I know what it meant – a binding spell. I'd perfected it – it was usually a spell used between wizards who were twins, or so the book I'd found it in said. It was in order to protect. If one died, then their magic, everything – their memories would go to the other that survived.

It was a spell done between twins, best friends… and brothers.

So, when I saw him curled up in the park bench, shivering, frightened… alone, the spell activated itself.

"Hi," I'd told him. "My name's Acheron."

His head snapped upward and he said hoarsely, "What's your surname?"

I smiled at him and said, "Acheron Black… but you used to know me by Acheron Malfoy."

He stared at me. "I… don't remember you."

"No. I left when you were a child… Draco." I offered him my hand and took him home. I took him to the Haven.

I was glad I brought him home. The house was too empty without Margo, the Muggle girl I'd married. She was the Wiccan twin sister of my classmate, but she'd died and the day she died she told me as she went out the door, "Ash, if I don't come home tonight, remember I'll always be in your heart. If you want to feel like you've done something for me, follow your heart. I love you. I'll be home before five."

And she'd made it to her twin's up near Buckinghamshire, but she hadn't made it home. It wasn't her fault.

I thought Margo would've loved him.

The problem with Draco, though, was that he let people use him. He gave all the power to people. It made me furious with my father – he'd taken my brother and turned him into this – a boy who offered everything to everyone that got him.

I'd done my best to show him he had a say in everything, but he'd lived too long with our parents. It didn't help that unlike me, he didn't have friends.

"Draco?" I said this night, when I found him. He out by the lake, running laps, something he'd apparently learned when he'd gone to the Muggle school I'd sent him to. He'd had friends over at that school. He'd opened up and beat me at every single video game I could buy him.

He came to a halt when I called out his name.

"Professor," he murmured, then grinned at me. "How does it feel, big brother?"

"Horrible," I said, shuddering, but I laughed. "Have you learned anything new at all?"

"In your class?" asked Draco, and shook his head. "Sorry, mate, haven't learned a thing I didn't know since last year." He laughed lightly, "But then again, we lived with Muggles and like Muggles."

"Yes." I said, smiling at him. "Did you know McGonagall didn't believe me when I told her I was your brother? I had to remind her about my years at Hogwarts in Slytherin."

"Yeah," said Draco, "about that – I _still_ can't believe you were in Slytherin. I'd've thought maybe Ravenclaw – or stretching it, Gryffindor."

"No, I'm a Malfoy as much as you are," I laughed. "The Hat wouldn't dare put me in with the Gryffindors, though it _said_ that I could do very well in Gryffindor, but Slytherin… well, that was my choice."

Draco nodded at me, smiling and I grinned back at him. Until I noticed the moonlight falling on him.

He was so thin. Painfully thin, but he didn't seem to realize it. I'd noticed it that he didn't eat, so I'd taken him to a doctor. They'd told me that if he didn't eat well enough, he was going to die.

The doctor told me he suspected an eating disorder – bulimia or anorexia or both.

They'd told me that he was damaging his body. Already, he was developing a heart abnormality. His body was slowly shutting itself down and if he didn't try to pull back anytime soon… he'd die.

He wore a glamour spell – I knew he did, but glamour spells don't stop a person from feeling what was really there. Besides, I was his brother; glamour spells didn't work on me. Not with the spell I'd put in place.

"So did you come because you wanted to just see me," Draco asked, "or did you want to talk to me about something?"

"Actually," I said seriously, "I wanted to talk to you about something." I put my arm around his shoulder and led him into the castle.

Draco was shorter than me, but he was seventeen so he might still grow a little more.

"Draco…" I sighed. "Listen to me. Do you remember when I took you to that Muggle doctor?"

"I'm fine," Draco said, instantly closing up.

Except he wasn't fine. He'd spent a week in the hospital for malnutrition, but he'd seemed to be getting better so they'd let him go home. Bad idea, in my opinion… but Draco knew how to convince people he was fine.

"No… you're not," I told him bluntly. "Do you know what cardiac arrhythmias are?"

Draco stared at me then said, "In the biology class at that Muggle school you sent me I found out the word 'cardiac' means something to do with the heart."

"It's an irregularity in the rhythm of your heartbeat, Draco. That's what the Muggle doctors told me. You've got that and sooner or later it'll develop into a more serious heart condition. When it does, Draco, you'll almost certainly die. Is that what you want? Do you want to die?"

"No," said Draco. "Look, even if I have a heart problem you can just take me to a Healer and they'll cast some healing spell or give me a potion and it'll go away. Magick does wonders, you know."

"But that's not the problem!" I yelled at him. "The problem is you – it's what you want, Draco. I can't help you if you continue doing this yourself. You're not –"

"I eat!" Draco yelled at me. "I do."

"Yeah… and then you go and throw it up?" I said it like a question, but my tone was bitter despite myself.

Draco was silent.

"Listen Draco… you're going to die." I ran my hand through my hair. "If you don't get help, you'll die. You're sick whether you admit or not. The heart problem you have right now is the least of your problems." I ticked them off on my fingers. "You're anemic, your liver is showing signs that it will fail you eventually, your kidneys weren't looking so good either." I looked at him in the eye, "You've lost some muscle mass. Muscle atrophy, that's what the Muggle doctors told me."

"Well, all of that can be fixed with magick," Draco said furiously. "You can't tell me –"

"I'm not," I interrupted him wearily. "I'm just telling you… you need help. I'll take you to a Healer and see if they can help. Thing is, Draco, even magic can't heal everything. The Healers at St. Mungo's might not be able to help you at all." Draco started to say something but I held up my hand. "Look, Draco, I'm not telling you all of this as the Head of your house, or as your Muggle Studies professor… I'm telling you this as your brother. You've got a problem and if you don't get help soon, you're going to die."

I turned around and left him standing there, alone in the dark. I didn't want to argue with him. I was tired of trying and trying, but… I think he was too far gone even then.

He was sick… and he was going to die if he didn't get help. It was out of his control, but Draco didn't realize that – that his problem was controlling him, not the other way around.

When I went to bed that night, I felt the slow despair in my soul.

I couldn't help my own brother. It was beyond my control. Draco was on his own in this one.

Problem was, I didn't think Draco realized it.

* * *

– Shinedown

* * *

A/N: I was actually going to cut Acheron's things out of the fanfiction. But I'm leaving it in there for the hell of it. I'm bored, tired, and besides this chapter serves a purpose… more or less…. It gives you some information, anyway. See the "Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference" thing I've got below if you really want the explanation of this chapter. Anyway… next update will come hopefully soon. 

Oh, and the word "magick" I spell it with a "k" but my computer usually changes it to "magic", so if you see that, it's not a typo. I just need to fix the computer to stop changing my spelling on the words I spell strangely.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. Again, continuing with the eating disorder Draco's got. In a lot of the fanfictions I've read that a character has an eating disorder, they don't really stress just how bad it is. Again, to the victim of the disorder, it makes perfect sense; it makes them feel better. It makes them feel happier. And as with Draco, it makes him feel like he's in control. That's actually one of the causes of anorexia or things like that. The stereotype is that anorexics believe they're fat. Not all of them, though. Some of them just have a need for control. Also, another thing, in some fanfictions the process of an eating disorder goes too fast. Anorexia, bulimia, whatever it is NOT cured in a day or a few weeks. It takes _years_. It takes years for it to be cured. And depending on how severe it is, it can take years before anyone notices the eating disorder. Especially when talking about a male with an eating disorder. If they don't realize it themselves, they won't catch it. The morality rate in males is higher than in females due to eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia because it's stereotyped as a "girl problem" and most doctors don't suspect it in a male. Ironically enough, the first person to ever be diagnosed with anorexia was a boy in England.

Again, I'm going to tell you as I write this, a lot of what I know might be outdated. Some of it might've been proven wrong. Medicine is changing constantly, and I haven't looked at anything about eating disorders in over a year. Most of this I already had, so… if you want to know, research it, because I'm NOT an expert on these things. I might be wrong in some of these things I'm saying. I'm just going with the research I've got.

**Review Response:**

**Queen of Monkey Magic:** That's actually a psychological belief. I can't remember which group believes that. Although, my line there was a one-line summary of a several pages long psychological essay about a group of people who believe basically what I made Luna say. I think she'd go for that belief. Although, I'm beginning to believe that myself….

**Hyuga Kyuuketsuki**

**Moonlit Eyes**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**Sarah123Babe**

**Night Essence**

It makes me happy to see people review this story. It makes me happy I got positive feedback, seeing as it was Luna and I wasn't sure how people would respond. I'm not really happy with the story because I think it ought to be better than it is right now, but I figure I'm still learning. Creative writing is something that anyone – a writer, or just somebody like me who writes for a hobby, learns everyday. It never stops. So, I really appreciate the feedback. That also tells you that I love constructive criticism as long as you remember we're all human and we all deserve respect.

Keir

P.S: Does anyone have a better title for this chapter?


	12. X: Blame

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

**Warnings: **Ginny's cutting problem is revealed to Harry and Co., Harry kisses Draco (the good stuff : )!), but unfortunately I've misplaced the beta'd version of this chapter, so it's not beta'd. Sorry for my truly awful grammar errors I probably did not pick out.

* * *

"When there is pain, there are no words. All pain is the same."

* * *

X

**Blame**

I was under my Invisibility Cloak, wandering around the school. I couldn't sleep again. I walked down a corridor where I heard voices.

"…ke you to a Healer and see if they can help," a voice said. I gathered that it was male by the tenor and I slowly moved closer until I could see them. It was Draco Malfoy and a boy – man, I hadn't ever seen. He looked maybe in his mid or late twenties. "Thing is, Draco, even magic can't heal everything. The Healers at St. Mungo's might not be able to help you at all." Draco started to say something but the man held up his hand. "Look, Draco, I'm not telling you all of this as the Head of your house, or as your Muggle Studies professor… I'm telling you this as your brother. You've got a problem and if you don't get help soon, you're going to die."

I almost fell over in shock. I'd assumed that Draco Malfoy was a spoiled little rich boy who got everything he wanted.

To tell you the truth, I'd somehow managed to place him in the same place as Dudley Dursley. I'd always thought him as the magical version – and thinner, version of Dudley.

I'd assumed, like everyone else that Draco Malfoy was rich, good-looking, and got everything he wanted. I'd believed that Draco had the perfect life; no problems except the ones he believed were problems but were not at all. Such as not getting one thing he wanted for one.

But hearing this conversation I realized that Draco Malfoy had bigger problems. I mean, if he was going to die because of whatever problems he had, I'd say they were huge.

And then I realized that the professor talking to him was his brother.

I gaped at Acheron Malfoy. I hadn't seen him – well, I had, but I hadn't realized it was _him_. For one thing, I'd assumed he'd have the same platinum blonde hair. He didn't – he was dark where Malfoy was light. His skin was darker even – like maybe he spent a lot of time outside and had developed a golden tan.

The only thing that looked the same – almost identical between Draco and Acheron Malfoy were their eyes. The shape and color was the same. Aside from that, everyone would think they weren't related.

Acheron walked away and left Malfoy standing there looking unhappy.

I don't know what made me do it. I don't know what possessed me to walk a little bit away, pull off my cloak, and walk back toward him.

"Hey, Malfoy," I called out to him.

His head snapped up toward me.

"Potter," he greeted me, suspiciously. "Did you hear anything?"

I gave him my best blank look. "Hear what?"

"Nothing. Never mind. What do you want?"

"Well," I said, "I've been thinking…" I trailed off.

"Yes? Aside from the miracle you know how to think, I mean."

I was about to retort before I decided to ignore that and continued, "About the truce you called…" I hesitated and said, "I agree to start over with you."

He stared at me for a second. Then he graced me with a smile that I'd never seen on his face. This smile outshined everything in the world and left me dazed and utterly lost.

"All right," he told me. "Let's start over. I'm Draco Malfoy." He offered me his hand the way he had long ago.

I looked at it then at his face. His smile was still there, lurking in his eyes, but it was starting to falter.

What possessed me, I don't know. I stepped closer to him, leaned in and kissed him.

The thought that I was kissing a boy – on the lips – that I was kissing Draco bleeding Malfoy of all people, of all _boys_, never crossed my mind. I just thought that it felt right.

I pulled away and murmured into his ear. "I'm Harry Potter."

He stared at me, silver eyes wide. I wondered if maybe I'd scared him.

"Are you going to ask me out?" he asked finally.

"Will you go to Hogsmeade with me?" I asked laughingly.

He looked at me and smiled, "With you?" I nodded and his smile seemed to become brighter. "I'll go anywhere with you."

I tilted my head and said, "You realize this makes us gay, right?"

"It makes us…"

"Boyfriends," I half said, half asked.

He nodded and then looked at me expectantly. I smiled and kissed him again. This time he kissed me back, wrapping his arms around me. Finally we came up again to breathe and we started laughing.

I mean, it was funny. How the hell do you go from being "mortal" enemies to becoming boyfriends, skipping entirely over the part of becoming friends?

Fatal attraction.

xxx

The next day, I woke up thinking…

_What the hell possessed me to kiss Draco bleeding Malfoy?_

He was going to kill me for kissing him, and that was when Ron woke me up – or shook me so I opened my eyes, telling him I was awake.

"Hermione!" I said, "What are you doing here?"

"Ginny," she said. "I went to wake her up this morning… Oh, God." She was in utter shock.

"What happened?" I demanded. Draco would come later, I thought. Then thought… _since when has he been "Draco"_!

"I don't know – I just walked in and her arms… just come!" she grabbed our arms and we ran toward the stairs heading toward the girls' dormitories.

"Wait, Hermione – we can't go in there!"

Hermione ignored Ron and fell on her knees at the fifth step and pressed a stone I'd never noticed. "Come on – this'll let you get up there for a while."

Ron and I walked up the stairs and followed her.

We pushed the door open to Ginny's room – for there was no one but her left in her year. No Gryffindors, anyway, aside from Colin Creevey.

She was sitting in a chair and her eyes were red.

"Ginny… show them your arms or I'll do it for you," Hermione said.

Ginny looked at me then at Ron.

"It's not your fault," she said and then showed us her arms. On that flesh were jagged lines – red lines that looked like they'd been semi-deep scratches and there were others that were healed, but turning into scars.

"Ginny… _why_?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "It just felt good. It felt so good."

"We're going to have to take you to Madam Pomfrey," Ron said finally. "I'm going to write to Mum and Dad, Ginny."

"I know," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry."

I watched her cry and wondered how I would react if Draco really did die. I didn't know what was wrong with _him_…

But his brother had said he might die.

What a mess this life was.

xxx

I didn't think it would be wise to tell Ron where I was going. As Seventh Years and especially since it was _us_, we were allowed to go to Hogsmeade whenever we wanted to go. Besides, it was a Hogsmeade weekend for the rest of the school.

I met him at the Three Broomsticks, where he managed to get us a private room. I didn't even know they had rooms there.

"Hi!" he said breathlessly. He was smiling at me until he saw something in my gaze – something.

"What's wrong?"

"Ginny," I told him. "She… she's been cutting herself. I just don't understand why she'd do that!"

"It's addictive," Draco said quietly. He sighed. "Yes," he said answering my unspoken question, "I was… slightly suicidal in the first year up until third, I think." He grinned at me, with seemingly ironic humor. "I figured out I didn't really want to die when that Hippogriff slashed me."

I nodded and said, "I'm glad you don't want to die."

"Yeah…" said Draco. He seemed very far away. He seemed sad… and I kind of knew why. I didn't know the details, but what his brother had said… what I'd overheard…

_Forget it_, I told myself.

Somehow, I did manage to forget it – for then.

xxx

In Potions class Professor Peppercorn announced that we were assigned partners for the potions project that would make up twenty-five percent of our grade.

Predictably, she paired me up with Draco.

"Try to ignore him," Hermione told me quietly.

"Tough luck," said Ron.

I headed across the room and sat down next to Draco. He gave me a quick, but faint smile.

xxx

We met up in the library.

"I'm going to go and work on my Potions with Malfoy," I told them by the way of explanation why I wouldn't be there for dinner.

"Oh… all right," said Hermione.

"Hex him for me," said Ron. "And don't say anything, 'Mione, you know he deserves it."

I left them to it.

So there I was, in the library with Draco Malfoy… my new boyfriend. Well, my first boyfriend, but whatever.

"Harry," Draco said, smiling at me brightly when he saw me.

"Draco!" I said just as happily and was about to kiss him when someone cleared their throat. I belatedly realized that a Professor was standing there.

"Oh… Hello," I said.

"Name's Acheron Malfoy," he said.

"You're Draco's brother? Really?" I blurted out.

Draco burst out laughing, "Yeah. We get that all the time, so don't worry about it."

He'd startled me for the second time. They seriously did not look alike at all.

"Yes. Mr. Potter… Harry – do mind if I call you Harry?"

I shook my head.

"Well, Harry… as Draco's older brother, I'm telling you – you'd better take care of him. Or else." He glared at me.

I gulped and nodded, "Don't worry, I will."

"Good," he said brightly and walked away.

"Oh-kay," I said.

"Yeah," said Draco. "He's… a bit strange like that. Well, not usually, but he does do really strange things like that."

"I thought he might chew my head off for making you gay."

"I told him I wasn't gay. I just like you."

"Oh." I said, flattered. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"It was." Draco grinned at me and I smiled back at him and kissed him. He looked so sweet… so wonderful.

And how the hell this happened, I didn't know and didn't really care.

I was still lost in the sensations of kissing Draco Malfoy when I heard a soft cry of distress.

"Oh!" said another voice – this one was much more familiar.

We broke apart. I turned, dreading it already and saw Hermione standing there looking at us with a bemused expression her face.

Standing next to her, trying hard not to cry, was Ginny.

"I – that is – we – it's just," I sputtered.

"You… you _pouf_!" Ginny yelled at me. "I hate you!"

She turned around and fled.

"Why'd she react like that? I broke up with her at the end of our Sixth Year," I said blankly.

"Oh, Harry," Hermione said. "She still loves you… and you don't love her."

And I'd hurt her. What is about me that I always hurt everyone I love… or that loves me?

* * *

– Toni Morrison

* * *

A/N: All right, Ginny's not over Harry, but Harry isn't quite the same person he used to be. Plus, I've always more or less thought that Ginny loves the _idea_ of Harry Potter. She was in love with him before she met him, remember? So… no, not a real love.

On the bright side of this chapter we got Harry kissing Draco: )

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. Ginny's cutting herself – most cutters cut themselves because they hurt inside and want something to show that pain. That's what feels so good. Of course, there's the sociopath who cut themselves in order to try to understand what pain feels like… and the attention seekers. And the suicidal cutters (the most dangerous!) and there are the ones that cut themselves as a method of helping them deal with life. Not an entirely healthy choice. Most of them don't really seem to know _why_ they cut – they just know it makes them feel better. Again… it's about control. Addictive and destructive… very seductive, very alluring behavior, but NOT good!

**Review Response:**

**Moonlit Eyes:** I'm picky about OCs as well. That's why I almost cut Acheron's chapter out, but it went with the story so I left it in. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. : )

**Sarah123Babe**: I'm glad you think so. I think I just romanticize it sometimes.

**BabyKeepItSurreal**: Harry's in the picture now: )

**Hyuga Kyuuketsuki:** Well, it's a Draco-centric fic, so it focuses mostly on Draco. Acheron's not a real main character, so you won't really get too much about him.

**NinjaoftheDarkness:** Yes, I liked the idea of baby Draco too. : )

Ah, well, I think I answered everybody for this chapter… hope I don't get in trouble. As always, thanks for reviewing! Reviews always make me happy, especially when they're constructive criticism which helps me tremendously on my writing!

Keir

P.S.: I was rereading this one and I was like… gah… this is awful. But I really don't have the time to change it. Oh well. I hoped you liked it anyway.


	13. XI: Revelations

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Each man hides a secret pain. It must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness and forced into the light."

**

* * *

**

XI

**Revelations**

"So where's Harry?" Ginny asked me, trying to sound causal. She'd promised Madam Pomfrey this morning that she was never going to cut herself ever again. It was under her orders that we were now sharing the Seventh Year dormitory. Parvati and Lavender were still there, and they didn't mind Ginny at all. She was a girl's girl, I suppose.

"Oh… I, um…" I frowned. "I think he said he was going to go to the library to work on his Potions project with Malfoy."

Ginny grimaced. "I hate Malfoy," she muttered.

I didn't hate him. I remembered catching him throwing up in the boys' bathroom. I remembered watching Harry watch Draco Malfoy run laps around the lake… and I also remembered watching Malfoy make excuses at dinner. "I'm not feeling well, Pansy," was his excuse today at lunch. After breakfast I'd had them in my Arithmancy class and they'd spent the whole lesson whispering an argument – _"You haven't eaten anything have you – and where were you during dinner yesterday?"_

_"Pansy, I already ate – piss off, Pansy. It's my business when I eat."_

_"But you're not eating – Blaise told me you didn't eat any lunch yesterday."_

_"Pansy, look, I was busy this morning – I got up early and had an early breakfast, all right!"_

_"Did you go for your morning run?"_

_"Yes, but that's beside the point!"_

_"No it's not – when was the last time you ate? Don't you dare lie to me, Draco Malfoy!" _

And I remembered watching him run laps. He ran more than one lap around the Black Lake and that lake is huge. Draco Malfoy would be thin even if he ate five meals during every meal in a day with all the running he did. But… I'd seen him in the bathroom throwing up. That was the second time. I'd heard him throwing up the day he got the note telling him his mother was dead. The second time was after that truce he'd called with Ron, Harry, and me.

So, I watched him carefully. He was thin, but not scary thin – he was dangerously close to becoming painfully thin, but he was not quite there yet. I noticed the changes – when I'd gotten very close to him without his noticing in Potions class under the guise of talking to Harry very quickly about Ginny, I'd seen that his hair seemed brittle and thinner than it'd ever been.

If anything, I was seeing the symptoms of something… _anorexia_…

But why would Draco Malfoy be anorexic? Or bulimic, even? No one ever called him fat. He was far from fat.

I recalled this quickly before saying, "Come on, let's go to the library."

Ginny agreed cheerfully enough. She chattered about she was going to go out with Dean to Hogsmeade on the next Hogsmeade weekend.

We entered the library, passing by a professor on our way there, but I vaguely registered him at all.

Ginny suddenly made a distressed sound in her throat as she gaped at Harry and Malfoy.

They were wrapped up around each other.

"Oh!" I said in surprise. This was certainly something I hadn't expected from these two, ever.

Harry and Draco broke apart as Harry turned to look at me and his expression turned to one that said he was shocked, horrified, and somehow… a little shy. I watched as his eyes took me in and then looked at Ginny, who I suddenly realized was fighting hard against tears.

"I – that is – we – it's just," Harry sputtered.

"You… you _pouf_!" Ginny yelled at him. "I hate you!"

She turned around and fled.

"Why'd she react like that? I broke up with her at the end of our Sixth Year," Harry said blankly.

Of all the things he could've said, this was the worst.

"Oh, Harry," I said, sighing. "She still loves you… and you don't love her."

I saw him register this and realized that he was not going to take this well. He was going to blame himself for only God knew what.

"It's not your fault, Harry," I said quickly.

"It is… I didn't know…" He turned to look at me. "Do you think this is why she was cutting herself?"

I gasped. "I need to go – God only knows what she'll do." That was when I turned and fled.

I was relieved to find Parvati and Lavender comforting Ginny when I arrived at the girls' dormitories. She was sobbing and I sighed.

"Ginny… look at me."

"You saw them too!" she yelled at me. "How _dare_ they!"

"Harry… likes him," I said quietly. "And really… calling him a pouf was a bit much."

"He is!" Ginny said, "He was snogging Malfoy – you saw them."

"He was?" asked Parvati.

"They'd make such a cute couple," said Lavender and giggled.

I rolled my eyes and said, "Yes. And they'd have a bit of a problematic relationship."

Of course, I didn't know just how problematic it would be back then.

xxx

The next day I watched as Draco Malfoy pushed around his food in his plate. He wasn't eating. That was, he wasn't eating until Pansy said something and he began to eat at an alarming speed.

I watched him anxiously as Ron and Harry talked – Ron _had_ been informed that Harry was dating Draco Malfoy, and surprisingly, Ron was okay with that. Harry and Ron were just a little worried about Ginny – they were discussing her and how to make her accept it.

"I'm going to the loo," I murmured to them and they nodded as I got up and followed Draco Malfoy out of the Great hall.

Sure enough, as I'd thought, he was heading straight for the boys' bathroom.

I slipped through the door and heard him retching. I don't know how I felt then, realizing that Draco Malfoy was probably anorexic or bulimic or both. I thought he was most likely anorexic, because he only ate when someone forced him to eat. I'd noticed that while watching him.

And I wondered how long it would be before Harry noticed there was something wrong here.

I stepped back into the shadows when he opened the stall door. He came out and washed his hands and then splashed water on his face.

He murmured a word and though I'd suspected it, I was shocked to see he did have a glamour spell on.

I was wrong – he only seemed healthy with the glamour on. Without it he looked like one of those eerily beautiful vampiric boys that don't really belong in the world. He looked… well, he was frighteningly beautiful but so thin it was frightening. He looked like he was going to break with a single push.

He lifted his shirt up, still looking at himself and I literally count how many ribs he had even from behind and I could see his _spine_.

"Draco," I said, unable to take it anymore. "I know. You're really sick. You're killing yourself."

He whirled around and stared at me as I stared at him. Quietly, he murmured the word to the Glamour and he looked… semi-normal. It gave him the appearance that he wasn't nearly as thin as he really was. I was worried about him and I knew he'd see the worry in my eyes.

Finally, unable to stand the silence, I asked him, "Draco… you're killing yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself? When did it start?"

* * *

– Sybock

* * *

A/N: Hello! Not much to say on this subject except that here's one of the scenes from the beginning. Of course, it's from Hermione's PoV and not Draco's…. I'm generally unhappy with this story. Because it's all right now, but then it gets strange, so I don't really like it, but it's too late to change anything now. If I changed anything, I'd have to scrap the whole story and start over, which I don't actually have the time for. Sorry about any mistakes I might've missed on this chapter, though. I seem to be missing the beta'd version of this chapter. Anyway, check out my profile for this month's Board of Recognition! Read the story, too. It's good! ; )

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. I believe the chapter quote's from Star Trek. I might've spelled the character's name wrong, though… and I might be completely wrong.

**Review Response:**

**SatensRaven**

**Dinkus**

**Hyuga Kyuuketsuki: **Good point. The only thing though, it can go either way. Ginny's a cutter, definitely, but it doesn't mean she'd get insanely angry about them finding out. Some cutters definitely get mad, but some just sit there and cry when people find out. I think it depends on the person, though. I've never actually gone through this, so I really don't know. A lot of this story is guesswork, research, and basic knowledge of these types of things. I spent a year researching eating disorders. I spent about a year and a half researching other types of self-abuse. I'm not a psychologist, but I've taken a course in psychology and studied further into it on my own…. So, I can only say I am partly educated, but not an expert because I don't know everything about it.

**Night Essence:** Well… um, realistically, just because somebody falls in love doesn't mean they're likely to stop harming themselves. Idealistically, yes, it could happen. As to what happens with Draco… you just have to see. It kind of ruins the end if I tell you. Sorry!

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**Moonlit Eyes**

**Sarah123Babe**

Thanks for taking the time to review! Anyway, hope you liked this chapter as there're only a couple chapters left until the end and the Epilogue.

Keir

**P.S**.: Oh, and just randomly asking, if you have any folklore you know, any kind of strange stories, could you leave them in a review? I collect folklore and myths (like urban legends, but the normal kind too). Thanks!

**P.P.S**: Does anyone have a better summary for this story. I'm not very good at writing summaries without giving away the plot. Sometimes I'm lucky, but I just can't think of a really good summary for this one. The one I've got now isn't really all that great, so I was just wondering.


	14. XII: And Watch Me Burn

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Nothing begins, and nothing ends"

**

* * *

**

XII

**And Watch Me Burn**

Pansy was nagging at me again – to eat. So, I ate and then I excused myself. I walked to the bathroom, checked no one was there and got rid of the food. Finally, I stood up and flushed the toilet.

I'd cleaned myself up and taken off the glamour to look at myself when Granger said, "Draco…I know. You're really sick. You're killing yourself."

It was along the lines of what Acheron had told me. He said I was going to die if I didn't stop this. But I needed this. I needed control and not eating gave me power over my life. It was already spinning out of control. My parents were dead – But… I had Harry now.

I whispered the spell to cast the Glamour on myself.

"Draco… you're killing yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself? When did it start?" Granger asked me then.

I started when she spoke, whirling around to look at her as she stared at me. I know what she saw – a beautiful boy. I had that ethereal beauty most people would die for – with my white-blonde hair and my pale skin… of course I was beautiful… and of course I was perfect. I had Harry now. If I weren't perfect why would he have kissed me when he accepted my offer to start over?

I stared at her, her questions suddenly sinking into my mind. I didn't know when it started. I just know that it made me feel so much better.

And so I told her, "It's just about control, see. Control – I can control this. My father doesn't see me not eating – he can't stop me and he can't make me. No one can force me to do this if I don't want to. I'm controlling it. It's my decision. It's in my control, no one else's."

_"_Draco, you've got a problem,"she told me as her eyes reminded me my father was dead.

"I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM," I screamed at her. "I don't!"

She stared at me and then said, "Well… all right…" She turned to go, but then added over her shoulder saying quietly, _"_But, Draco, what happens when you lose control?"

She left me standing there, bewildered and in shock.

_What if I was no longer in control_…

No, of course I was in control.

_But what if…_

"I am in control," I said to the empty bathroom. Satisfied, I walked out.

xxx

It was on a Friday that I realized I hadn't eaten all week. Pansy had not nagged at me and Blaise was not around to say anything. In fact, neither of them were around anymore. They were always together lately, leaving me as a third wheel. Though, it didn't matter – I had Harry.

Harry and I spent most our time together, snogging and laughingly telling each other things about ourselves. I was shocked to find out he didn't have the perfect life I'd thought he'd led. It was horrible – what those Muggles did.

I was glad that he did not have to see them ever again.

Everything was going well… except, I wasn't feeling well. I was tired all the time, and I had a constant headache. My hair was brittle and the other day, I broke a nail. And seeing as I'm a boy, I don't let my nails to grow long, but it broke and it was cracked in the middle. Harry kissed it and I smiled, telling him it felt much better.

My skin was dry too – my lips were so dry, I was ashamed when Harry kissed me because his were soft and moist while mine weren't.

"So, anyway, Ron says that maybe we might be able to convince Ginny to accept us if we let her know how we feel – separately. Hermione says she hasn't thought up of a better plan… so…"

I nodded at him as we walked up the stairs to the new Potions classroom. I'd been surprised to find out that they'd changed the classroom. That was when it happened.

A wave of dizziness crashed over me and I couldn't catch my breath. I could feel my heart beating… beating… yet it was so odd because it hurt. My chest hurt very badly and I grabbed on to Harry.

"…right?"

"What?" I asked.

"Are you all right?" asked Harry, looking at me anxiously.

"Yes." I said. "Yes, I'm fine. Come on let's go to Potions."

I felt Harry watching me worriedly afterwards. And to tell you the truth, I was starting to get worried.

xxx

I had more dizzy spells and I was starting to have trouble waking up. That was what scared me the most – that was until I tried to eat for the first time of my own free will.

It had been a long time that I had eaten without making myself throw up afterwards. And the last few times I had, I'd noticed I barely had to do anything anymore.

"Oh, you're eating!" Pansy told me when she saw that I _had_ put food on my plate. I did eat dinner that day before kissing Harry goodnight and going into my own dormitory, smiling like a crazy person.

"Draco, dear, you have it bad," Pansy said laughing at me. "Come here for a game of chess."

"I know," I told her smilingly, happily. "It's just that he makes me feel wonderful. It's weird, isn't it?"

"Not really," said Blaise, looking pointedly at Pansy. Then they chose to play Exploding Snap.

I was sitting there watching them, working on a scrapbook I'd begun when I was around the age of ten. I hadn't had the time to work on it lately, so I was working on it now. That was when I felt the first hints of nausea and I told myself I was _not_ going to throw up. I needed to eat. I _wanted_ to eat – it was in my control.

_What happens when you lose control_?

I was in control. I was in control and that meant that if I wanted to eat I could eat and it would stay inside because I wanted it to. I controlled my own body.

Then I felt the bile rising up to my mouth. I dropped my book and ran into the first bathroom I came to and was sick.

Pansy was there, along with Blaise and a lot of other people who were whispering amongst themselves.

"Bugger off the lot of you," Blaise said shooing them away as Pansy cleaned me up and we walked to the bedroom we shared.

"You're burning up," Pansy told me, placing a cool hand on my face.

"It's hot… hot," I told her. "I can't breathe either."

I hadn't noticed it, but I was sweating. I couldn't breathe – that was the main thing and my chest was bothering me.

"Maybe it was something you ate?" asked Pansy.

I shook my head, tired. I was so, so tired.

xxx

I didn't eat anything the next day, even though Pansy tried giving me food, but I immediately threw it up, so I stopped eating. The only thing my stomach could handle was water.

I was tired too and it seemed like I became even more exhausted every day. I wanted to go out on my run, but I kept waking up too late for it.

I drifted, getting up to go to the bathroom, but that seemed to happen less and less. And I was far too tired.

"Oh my God! Draco!" Pansy said after I came out of the shower without a shirt on because I couldn't find the shirt I swore I'd taken into the bathroom with me.

"What?" I asked her. Then I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and saw that I'd lost even more weight recently… and the Glamour had finally failed me.

"I'm going to bed," I told her and curled up and headed off to sleep.

"Draco?"

"Don't worry about me," I told her as I lay down on the bed. Problem was… I was beginning to worry about myself.

_I think I've finally lost control_…

* * *

– Francis Thompson (?)

* * *

A/N: Yeah… the downward spiral begins! And yes, part of the "shattered" formatted prologue is in here too. You can tell, hopefully, we're starting to go to the "present". Is my timing off on this, I get the feeling I'm either going too fast or too slow... 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

N/A

(I'm not saying anything about anything right now or else I'll go on a rant)

**Review Response:**

**Sarah123Babe**

**Moonlit Eyes**: Well… I'm a Slytherin. I always (no matter which test I'm taking) end up in Slytherin, not counting the one where I ended up in Durmstrang. So… I don't know about hopeless romantic. Although my usual response to the term hopeless romantic is basically: "How can you be a hopeless romantic when romance is about hope?" And I wish I had Hermione's courage and powers of perception too! Happily ever after… um… you'll have to wait… sorry! Do I seem like a happily ever after type of writer? Just curious… Anyway thanks for reviewing! You always seem to make me happy for some reason…. I love your reviews! And just wondering, are you ever going to write a Harry Potter fic? If you are, I'm the first in line!

**ashmoon**

**Senom thefev**: Thanks. That makes me feel somewhat better as I really don't think I do this subject any justice. It's such a complicated subject and I'm not that great of a writer to _really_ to do it justice. I do my best, so that comment makes me feel much better. And on another subject, I've always been amused at the fact that anorexia (and eating disorders in general) is basically considered a girl problem, when the first medically documented anorexic was a boy. (Well, as far as I know, anyway, but all the sources say the same thing, and they're pretty reliable.)

**rabidbutterfly**

Anyway, thanks for reviewing! I'm almost out of time (again), so I'm off! Drop me a line, if you will. Remember to respect as you want to be respected!

K.R.B


	15. XIII: Ashes to Ashes

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

**Note:** I've misplaced my edited version of this chapter… Sorry, my computer's acting up, my connection's been limited to a set amount of time because I'm using the net too much – or so they told me. I don't know when I'm updating again. I beg forgiveness for my grammatical errors (or typos), that I missed.

* * *

"Life, health and hope today

Tomorrow comes grim death's cold bitter blast."

**

* * *

**

XIII

**Ashes to Ashes**

Sometimes it amazes me what people think. I don't mean that in a bad way – it's just that many people have a certain mindset… like they already know how a person is going to react. It's like they expect – well, it was like they expected me to throw a huge fit because my best friend happened to like a certain person who happened to be male and bloody Draco Malfoy.

"Ron?" Harry said coming to sit down next to me in the common room with such a serious look on his face I thought someone had died.

"Harry, look I was just going – what's wrong?" I said, interrupting myself in the middle of what I was going to tell him. Something about Quidditch – I can't remember it now…

But that's a different story.

"Nothing," said Harry, looking directly at me. "It's just that…" he paused, looking like he was struggling for words. "I just need to tell you something – and I don't want you to take it the wrong way or anything and – Hermione!"

I was confused for a moment before I noticed Hermione.

"Did you tell him?" Hermione asked Harry.

"I was just about to," said Harry.

It suddenly occurred to me that Hermione and Harry might have something going on between them. I thought that maybe Hermione was about to tell me that she was leaving me. That Harry was going to tell me "_Sorry, mate… we just… you know… fell on each other and realized we loved each other. You're nothing."_

I know Harry would never say such a thing… but… I felt like he would. I mean, I have nothing and Harry… Harry was everything.

"What's wrong?" I asked again. If they wanted to tell me they were together behind my back, I wanted to get it over quickly so I didn't have to feel it so deeply.

"Well, has Ginny said anything to you?" asked Hermione tentatively.

I wondered now if Ginny had caught them.

"No, she hasn't told me a thing."

"All right then," said Harry, setting his shoulders. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I… er…." Harry faltered, then seemed to get his wind back. "I have a boyfriend."

I stared at him.

"And don't freak out," added Hermione.

"I don't care if you like blokes," I said. "What kind of friend would I be to abandon Harry for something like that? He can't help who he likes!"

I was relieved, to tell you the truth, that Hermione still loved me. That they were only telling me that Harry was going out with a boy. And to tell you the truth, I really don't have a problem with that at all. I'm a wizard not a Muggle. Besides, same-sex relationships are not unnatural. I once knew a guy who had two dogs – both male, and they seemed to have something for each other. The two dogs, I mean – not the guy and the dogs…

"So, who's your mystery guy?" I asked, smiling at Harry.

Hermione and Harry exchanged a worried glance. "Don't freak out when you hear who it is," said Hermione.

I immediately felt a little warning bell go off in my head.

"It's…" Harry blushed and then smiled, "I don't know _how_ it happened – I was just…" he ducked his head, studying his hands, "I don't know what I was doing – I just kissed him and then asked him out…"

"So who is this guy that has you like this?" I asked.

Harry looked at me searchingly before he said, "Your sister caught us – she yelled at us that we were poufs and… well, she didn't take it too well."

"It's not…?" I let my question trail off.

"It's Draco Malfoy," said Harry finally, blushing.

I stared at him.

"Ron?" Harry asked me, anxiously.

"I'm going to bed," I said shortly and left. I needed to think. When Harry came up to the dormitory later that night, and whispered my name, I pretended to be asleep, snoring loudly.

I waited and waited.

I don't know if I got any sleep that night as I thought about the fact that my best mate was dating the _boy_ who had always been my worst rival. The one we hated together once.

Then I decided that as long as Malfoy made Harry happy – and I mean happier than he'd been since he killed Voldemort, then I was all for it.

xxx

I got up too early, since I couldn't go back to sleep anyway, so I headed out of the common room and to the kitchens. Of course, in my half-asleep state, I ended up in the Great Hall before having to double on back to the kitchens when I heard it.

Two people were laughing softly, both male. Both spoke far too softly for me to understand what they were saying.

I was about ignore them, thinking they might be lovers coming back from a midnight tryst when I caught sight of that damned white-blonde hair. No one at Hogwarts had that hair. Luna Lovegood came close, but there was only one person that I knew of who had that hair – Draco Malfoy.

I whirled around and headed toward him and whoever he was with. I figured that I'd see if he was cheating on Harry and God help him if he was. God, Merlin, and every other power in the universe help him, because he was going to need it once I got through with him if he was cheating on _my_ best friend.

"So you're enjoying this aren't you?" asked the unfamiliar male. I didn't know who the hell he was. I'd never seen him, but he didn't wear anything to say what House he was from. I assumed, since he looked much older than Malfoy that he was a professor.

"Yes," said Malfoy instantly. "Oh, yes. I'm enjoying it."

"You realize I meant what I said before… about Potter…"

"Harry?" said Malfoy, "Oh, he understands."

"Does he?" asked Malfoy's companion, who I could now see.

"Understands what?" I asked before I could stop myself. Malfoy's gray eyes widened as he looked at me then asked, hesitantly, "Did Harry tell you… about us?"

"He told me you're dating," I said stiffly.

"Oh, that's all right, then," said Malfoy with a sudden smile on his face. I blinked in shock. You see, anyone would be shocked by that smile. Draco Malfoy had a smile most people lose when they're about three years old, if not a little later or sooner depending on how they were raised.

"That," Malfoy said, pointing at the man in front of him, "is my psycho, utterly schizo brother, Ash. Acheron, whatever – it's easier calling him Ash." He grinned at me mischievously, "But only in private."

"Really?" I said looking between him and the man who was apparently Acheron Malfoy. "You don't look anything alike!" Then I noticed Acheron Malfoy's eyes. "Except for the eyes – those are identical."

"It's a mystery," said Malfoy cheerfully, "but it's true. We're brothers and we look nothing alike. I'd say it has something to do with the genes and whatnot."

"The what?" I echoed.

"Never mind. Ask Granger, she'll explain it better than I can," said Malfoy. "So, you're all right with me and Harry?"

"Yes," I said. "On one condition."

Malfoy looked at me questioningly.

"That you make him happy," I said. "God knows he needs someone right now – in the aftermath of this war… make him happy, Malfoy, and I'll be okay with it. If you ever make him unhappy, I'll hurt you."

"I'll try," Malfoy said. I nodded and turned to walk away. I needed breakfast.

"Hey, wait," said Malfoy suddenly. "It's Draco, now…"

I stared at him then slowly let myself smile and said, "And it's Ron, now." I changed the subject, "Do you want some breakfast? I'm headed for the kitchens to get some – you can come, if you want."

Malfoy – because I couldn't make myself _think_ of him as Draco, shook his head. "No. I'm not hungry. I'll eat later." I saw Acheron give his brother a sharp look, gesturing that he come with me.

"I _promise_ I'll eat later. Now I need to go on my run. I'll see you later."

"Draco, wait – you shouldn't be run –" but he was gone and Acheron was left talking to empty space. It didn't occur to me to wonder why Acheron Malfoy looked so depressed… like maybe he felt like he was a failure somehow.

xxx

In the days that followed, Harry, Malfoy, Hermione, and I tried to come up with ways of making Ginny understand. I couldn't believe she was being so homophobic. I don't think anyone who knew about it – nearly all of the Slytherins and Gryffindors, could understand _why_ Ginny didn't like this. Ginny and Seamus, actually. They were the only two who couldn't stand the sight of Harry and Malfoy together.

I finally told Harry, "Well, maybe if you tell how you both feel – separately. He can tell Ginny how he feels about you and you can tell her how you feel about him…"

"I dunno," said Harry, sounding and looking frustrated. "I'll talk to him about it. We need to go to potions at any rate."

"So, I'll see you in Potions?"

Harry nodded at me, giving me a quick smile.

xxx

"Something's wrong," Harry whispered in the next class after Potions, which we didn't have with Draco Malfoy. "Draco almost fainted on the way to Potions today. He said he's fine… but he was really pale." He frowned, "Did he eat lunch – did you see him eat lunch?"

"I wasn't watching him," I said and turned to Hermione. "'Mione?"

"No, I didn't see if he ate or not…" she looked at us with an odd look on her face as she said almost carefully, "He's very thin isn't he, Harry?"

"Yeah, but that's because he runs a lot," said Harry. "He told me he developed that habit when he joined an athletic team in the Muggle school he went to for a year."

"Really? Which sport did he join?" asked Hermione.

"Basketball," said Harry, shrugging. "I reckon he could beat me at those games now."

"What class he's got right now?" I asked curiously.

"Muggle Studies," said Harry smiling. "He's been taking it since third year, he told me."

"Oh, yes," said Hermione, "I remember wondering what on earth was Draco _Malfoy_ doing in my Muggle Studies class. He was the only Slytherin in that class, did you know?"

"No," Harry and I chimed.

"Oh," she said. "I thought I might have mentioned it."

"You didn't," Harry said.

xxx

For a while, everything seemed to be going well. Or at least until Harry was suddenly spending more time with us than with his boyfriend.

"What happened?" I asked finally, when he joined us one evening. "You haven't ended it with Malfoy, have you? I mean you got me more or less accepting him – you can't break –"

"No," said Harry. "He's just really tired tonight. He was falling asleep in my lap. I teased him about it and then sent him off to bed." Harry looked worried for a moment before he added, "Blaise Zabini came up to me during lunch and he says that Draco hasn't woken up to go out for his morning run lately. He's always tired all the time…" Harry sighed. "I hope he's not coming down with something…"

"Maybe he's just tired from his classes," I suggested. Classes were exhausting – though we were barely nearing the Christmas holidays.

"Yes." Harry brightened, "Yes that might be it."

I only barely noticed Hermione's odd expression as she looked at Harry. Later I'd wonder if she knew…

xxx

"You need to come to the infirmary."

Harry, Hermione, and I looked up at Parvati's words. She didn't give us an explanation – she just told us.

"Why?" I finally asked, "What's the matter?"

She hesitated then quietly told me, "It's Malfoy… he went out for a run today and collapsed."

"_What_!" Harry said as he jumped to his feet. He didn't seem to need another answer, since he was already running out of the Great Hall and toward the infirmary.

xxx

When we got to the infirmary, Harry was already there. He was sitting in a chair next to a white bed.

I stared at Draco Malfoy as he lay in that hospital bed. His eyes were closed and he was so thin even _I_ was worried. He was all bone – there was no fat on him. There was not even an ounce of muscle – skin and bones as my mother would say.

It was weird – I could see how sharp his shoulders looked and he was barely breathing.

"What's wrong with him?" I whispered. Harry shook his head mutely, looking at his boyfriend. I don't know how it must feel to see someone you love so deeply like that. I tried to imagine seeing Hermione like that, and I could feel my heart breaking.

Suddenly, Malfoy stirred on the bed, slowly opening his eyes. He looked at us once then looked back at Hermione.

"I lost control," he whispered to Hermione.

Harry and I looked at each other, bewildered.

"I know," said Hermione quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It's not really your fault," Malfoy – I mean, Draco, said. "It's mine."

Hermione shook her head, "It's not your fault. I swear it isn't."

"Then it was my Father's fault?"

"I don't know," said Hermione. "I don't know. But listen – you need to eat, that's all and you'll be all right."

"I won't," he said. "Ask Harry." He closed his eyes again and we turned to Harry.

"You knew?" Harry asked, staring at Hermione.

"Knew _what_?" I asked finally.

"That he wasn't eating!" said Harry. "Did you know that he only ate when we nagged at him too much and even then he'd go and throw it up!"

"What?" I said, shocked.

"I didn't know!" said Hermione, "I suspected he might be anorexic bulimic but I didn't know for sure! I just caught him throwing up a few times – it wasn't enough evidence and you wouldn't have believed me anyway."

"Anorexic bulimic?" I echoed.

"Yes," said Harry. His eyes were dry and he seemed strangely calm. "He's really mostly anorexic – he won't eat anything. He's literally starving himself to death. For him binge eating would be eating something. And he makes himself throw up whatever he eats on the rare occasion he does eat, so he doesn't get any nutrients anyway." He turned to look at me in the eyes. "They're going to move him to a Muggle hospital, Ron. Madam Pomfrey said that the best way to deal with it is the Muggle way. Magick can't cure this."

"What's happened?" Hermione asked finally.

"He can't eat anymore," said Harry finally. "He throws it up. That's why Pansy brought him in this morning – she told Madam Pomfrey he was trying to eat, but he just keeps being sick."

"Does he have to be moved to a Muggle hospital?" I asked finally.

"No," said Madam Pomfrey behind me, "but we're going to need someone from the Muggle world that is knowledgeable in both our ways and the Muggle medicines."

We turned to stare at each other and finally Harry said, "Acheron Malfoy – Draco's brother!"

"Good," said Madam Pomfrey. "We need to get Draco Malfoy nutrients and vitamins. He's malnourished – that needs to be fixed immediately…"

"But he'll make it won't he?" asked Harry finally.

Madam Pomfrey looked at us and sighed.

xxx

Draco Malfoy's body had several complications. For one thing, Madam Pomfrey had managed to isolate Draco Malfoy's heart problem – bradycardia. Bradycardia was a dangerously slow heartbeat. And even if he ever managed to pull out of the mess he'd found himself inside, he'd have to deal with the fact that he had a weak heart, Osteoporosis – which was the weakening of his bones, muscle weakness due to what was called muscle atrophy, and transient paralysis. That was what he was dealing with right now. Right now, Draco Malfoy was so weak he could barely move. Madam Pomfrey told us that due to how much muscle he'd lost – how much bone density – all of that, chances were he'd be dependent on other people for the rest of his life. He might never be able to regain the muscle he'd lost.

Madam Pomfrey told us that the morality rate for an anorexic was five to ten percent.

But he was anorexic bulimic, which is the worst of them all.

And in the people with anorexia and bulimia, it was around five to forty percent. It nearly killed me to see Harry's face when Madam Pomfrey told us that. That look was worse than the look on Malfoy's face.

It suddenly occurred to me, sitting there nearly three hours later with Harry, watching as Malfoy slept…

_I_ could die – the war was over, but… death was never over. It was still there. We were still living under the shadow of our mortality…

It occurred to me then, that Draco Malfoy could die… and take Harry along with him.

* * *

– Colfax Burgoyne Harman

* * *

A/N: All right… I don't know if I did this any justice – the realization that even though the threat of Voldemort's gone, death isn't gone. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. All right then – a lot of these complications are caused by the cycle the body goes through trying to supply itself nutrients. We'll talk a little bit more about that later. The complications of this, just so you know, are very real. Or according to my research they are. Most people I know don't think about just what's so bad about anorexia. They just say well, you starve and die. Well, it's not that simple. My idea is that most anorexic and bulimics' deaths are due to the complications that come with the eating disorder. The body is a very complex system. Not eating or not eating properly throws it completely off and then it stops being able to produce certain proteins, the bone marrow's ability to produce RBCs (Red blood cells) goes down causing anemia – and that leads to not enough oxygen in the body since the RBCs are the oxygen-carriers in the body, leading to the exhaustion most anemic people feel (anemia also increases the risk for _other_ illnesses…), and also not eating causes the blood pressure to fall… we'll talk later on about this, otherwise I'm going to go on a rant about it. Oh, yeah – I _think_ the morality rate is still the same. 5 to 10 without bulimia and 5 to 40 with bulimia…

And this is where the story gets strange. It's the combo between the "real" scary world and magick. So I'm apologizing in advance because I honestly believe I didn't do a great job of combining them.

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**Warina-Kinomoto**

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**meatofevil**

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Thank you so much for taking the time to review. I appreciate it!

Feedback is always welcome – especially constructive criticism (but it does have to be a bit specific because otherwise I don't know what you're trying to say).

Hope you enjoyed the chapter and don't freak out about the ending… it's a bit strange, but it'll do. As of right now we have NINE chapters left. (Eight, if you don't count the Epilogue, which you don't have to read.)

See you!

Keir


	16. XIV: A Light in the Dark

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries. "

**

* * *

**

XIV

**A Light in the Dark**

Death is a curious thing. We don't all face it the same way and we never have the same look at it again.

When my mother died conducting an experiment and I watched her die, I was not horrified by it. Not really – perhaps I was, and I now say I was not… I really do not know.

We all found out just how sick Draco Malfoy was on Monday morning. It was the beginning of it for us all. We'd been living in a golden bubble – those of us who'd survived the war with Voldemort and his Death Eaters… living under the idea that just because we had survived there would be no more deaths.

Yet, Professor McGonagall stood up and announced that Draco Malfoy was deathly ill. That we could all go and see him if we wanted – to hope that he lived… to watch him die … watch him fade away.

I think it was worse for Harry.

Harry always took life a little too seriously, a little too passionately. He lived with everything. His power lay in the fact that he was capable of feeling. He was capable of loving, of forgiving… of knowing what was right and what was wrong. He had these flashes of insight sometimes that would make anyone weep.

Except Harry wasn't here. He was told by Professor McGonagall to attend his classes and Draco himself had told him to go to class. Even he didn't want Harry to fail and not finish school in order to become the greatest Auror the world would ever know.

"Draco," I said, sitting in the chair next to his bed.

"Luna?" he said, turning his head toward me. I looked at him – he looked bad.

He was anorexic – I knew it, but I doubt that other people knew it. I'd known it for a very long time. Except he didn't want me to talk to him about his illness – or ask him how he was feeling or anything, which was why I asked him, "Have you ever heard of the heliopaths?"

"What?" he asked me. And so I told him of all the magical creatures I knew about. I told him about these beings the burned everything in their path, I told him about other things – creatures like the leviathan. I told him about my mother – what I remembered of her.

I told him things I remembered about him, too. He hadn't known I'd noticed him.

"I notice everyone," I told him lightly. He looked at me strangely, but he smiled and said, "Maybe we need to think about you again."

I smiled at him and told him other obscure myths until he finally fell asleep.

Then I let myself take in just how bad he looked.

He was on something they called a parenteral nutritional support. They were feeding him through an "I.V." I'd heard Hermione Granger explaining to Ronald. It was feeding him because he couldn't eat. He could barely move at all now.

I know it was a Thursday I went to see him – three days after they announced he was sick – maybe dying for reasons I can't remember. I think it was the way the moon was.

The moon is a silver light in the darkness – an emblem of hope in the midst of despair. The moon is what every one wants – a light in their darkest nights. I hoped Draco Malfoy would find it.

It doesn't matter whether someone lives or dies. I believe there are two sides to the phenomenon known as death, this side where we live, and the other side where we shall continue to live. Eternity does not start with death. We are in eternity now. And whether Draco Malfoy found his light in his darkness by dying or by managing to claw his way from death's grip… either way, he'd be stronger for it. Or we would be stronger because of his dying.

People change other people. It's the way things are. Sometimes they are like Tom Riddle who changed people for the worst, tapping into their dark madness. Sometimes they're like Harry Potter who inspires us to do things only heroes would do. And sometimes they're like Draco Malfoy...

He wasn't strong, he wasn't brave. He was human. And that's what mattered that he was human.

It didn't matter that he only had a small chance of survival, seeing how sick he already was. Sixty percent of anorexic bulimics make it and only forty percent die. Looking at him now, he'd have to fight hard if he wanted to make it to the sixty. That's what I'd managed to find out by listening.

But most people had resigned him to his death. And it's funny, because whether you live or die, it doesn't really matter. What matters is what you do in between. It's how you live that really counts, not how you were born or how you died. It's only how you live that affects the world with the usual exceptions.

* * *

– Unknown

* * *

A/N: Ah, Luna! Well, I don't know if I do her well enough… sometimes I think I probably don't, but whatever – it's fan fiction. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. "I believe there are two sides to the phenomenon known as death, this side where we live, and the other side where we shall continue to live. Eternity does not start with death. We are in eternity now." – Norman Vincent Peale.

Oh, and for your information, the term "parenteral nutritional support" basically means intravenous feeding. It's just a fancy way of dressing it up.

**Review Response:**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**Govnuk**

**Moonlit Eyes:** Lol. If this were one of my parodies, I might do that. Unfortunately, in that one parody I'm working on, Hagrid's married to Tonks. (It's the one called 'I Plead Insanity… which I need to update soon).

**meatofevil: **I think you ought to know I love your penname. It makes me laugh. Another thing, you mentioned your sister wasn't eating much for awhile, but she wasn't like this. No, she probably wouldn't have been because, number one, I'm about the drama – so obviously, it's exaggerated (or otherwise described too much). And another thing, medically, speaking, in this story, Draco's had the eating disorder for _years_. Not weeks, or days, or months – _years_. In reality, it's very plausible that it could go that way. That's why dieting is very dangerous without the supervision of a doctor or other health consultant – a trained one, not a friend! A diet can start out normal enough, _healthy_ enough, until it crosses over to the extreme. The period of time an eating disorder has existed is what mainly predetermines just how severe the consequences will be. Especially if the first negative symptoms of dieting are ignored. So, in short, everything depends on how long your sister wasn't eating... if she wasn't eating for a short amount of time, then no she wouldn't be anywhere nearly as bad. If it _was_ for a long time, then she's very lucky.

**Sarah123Babe**

**BabyKeepItSurreal**

Thanks everyone for reviewing!

I think I should mention (due to the lack of action on any other story), there will be another story somewhat like this one. It's definitely an angst/drama. It's a weird one, but that one is more about cutting and depression, since I didn't really mention that as much as the eating disorder. I'm just having trouble writing that one because I can't get the right feel for a cutting thing. So… the style for that one is strange – it's meant to be strange, though. Or at least, I find it strange. So, if you've any good advice for me on the subject of cutting (or other self-harm issues) let me know. On the brighter side, I've gotten the frame for the Draco/Hermione fic I was hoping to work on. Hermione's a real bitch in that one, unfortunately, so I'm trying to make her nicer… And the parody! **I Plead Insanity** is a "PWP" type of story – it's a parody, really. I've gotten a lot done on that one… I'm just going over the glitches. And the one that's up – **Shadow of a Dream** is turning out fairly interesting! I've made a few changes of what's to come in the distant future.

However, my time is becoming increasingly limited! Sorry. Exams. Major exams are coming in fast and I'm about to start stressing out, so… I won't mention that here.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed Luna's chapter! Drop me a line, if you will! I really like to know what other people think of my writing. It helps me improve it!

Keir Raizel B…


	17. XV: Fallen Heroes

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and have recovered hope "

**

* * *

**

XV

**Fallen Heroes**

Draco was always the strong one. Maybe he didn't seem like it and maybe he never believed himself to be strong, but he was. He was always the one who came up with the method, the strategy. He wasn't stupid – he was far from stupid…

And yet, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't think of a single reason as to why Draco would drive himself to this point.

Draco was an overachiever. Always trying, body-slamming a brick wall until either the wall broke him into a million little pieces or he broke through the wall. Everything he did was with one purpose – NOTICE ME.

He lived in a dark home – oh, it was grand and spacious, full of windows and sparkling sunlight. Full of water fountains that sprouted water for wishes. Overflowing with gardens and the perfect dream home…

But he lived in a world that believed children should be seen and never heard. At first he was a good little boy and then he finally acted out. He picked fights with Potter, did everything he could to get noticed. Most of the Slytherins didn't like him because they thought like everyone else that we should just bow down our heads and keep silent, to the shadows. But Draco wasn't like that. He liked to show off – he wanted the moon – no he wanted the sun because the sun shone much brighter.

When we were younger, he'd told me that our parents wanted us to get married. I'd punched him and given him a black eye. I didn't want to get married to anyone. I wanted to be free and so he'd smiled and told me he'd give me my freedom. Then as we grew older he was the one who went and picked up the pieces when I broke. When we arrived at school, he was the one who took all of us and patched us up. He was the one support we had. I remember overhearing Weasley and Potter discussing Crabbe and Goyle – they'd said Crabbe and Goyle were too stupid to do anything except grunt and point. Draco was the one who'd gotten them to not listen and do their best.

Draco was everyone's friend. For some odd reason, we'd all believed that while Potter would save the Wizarding world that didn't support the Dark Lord, Draco would save us – the lost children of the Darkness.

But Draco was human too.

In the end he couldn't take it and he ran away. They told us – Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, and me to give it up. He wasn't going to come back. He was a coward. He wasn't going to save us ever. And yet, somehow he _had_ saved us.

Blaise and I agreed that the reason why we'd both survived was because we'd followed Draco's philosophy – never give up.

Life's going to push you down and you're going to keep getting up. Draco believed in us.

Now it was up to us to believe in him.

xxx

Draco was in the Hospital Wing. He'd been there for six days. He hadn't gotten up even once. Potter told me that when I showed up. Draco was sleeping, drugged because he'd started throwing up and kept on throwing up even though he hadn't eaten anything in a long time.

Draco didn't look like the strong boy I remembered. In all my memories, Draco was there to fix me – to fix us. He'd never fallen and stayed on the floor. Every time someone punched him or life flung him down, he'd get right back up and say, _"All right. Bring it on. I'm ready for the next round."_

It seemed like that to me. But this time, I realized, he'd fallen and he just didn't have the energy to get back up. He didn't have anything left to give. He'd given everything he had already.

How had he fallen, I didn't know.

Draco was thin, painfully so. I could take his hand in mine and touch my index finger with my thumb half way up his arm. I could wrap my hand around his arm, near his elbow. He was bone – he wasn't just skin and bones anymore. His skin was dry and I could see that he looked really, really sick.

"His liver's failing," Potter told me quietly. "And his kidneys are pretty much gone. He's got an infection again. Madam Pomfrey's doing everything she can with Acheron's help. But…"

_They don't think he's gonna make it_.

The words were unspoken and they hung in the air between us. It had never seemed perfect. Never perfect – life was far from perfect, but what he and Draco had was perfect.

I would've thought they'd have the violent and passionate relationship, not this sweetness.

Maybe it just hadn't been there long enough. Maybe if they'd been given more time together it would be different. Maybe it'd be me fixing Draco this time around. It'd be me mending his broken heart rather than having him fixing mine.

"He can't die," I whispered.

"He won't," Potter said, looking at me in the eyes. "He _won't_ die. I won't let him. He'll make it. God help me, but if it kills me, he'll live. I promise you that."

"You can't promise that," I said. "You _can't_! You might be Harry bleeding Potter the fucking savior of the world, but you can't save a single boy's life!"

"I can when I love him!" Potter yelled at me.

"You _what_?"

"I love him," Potter repeated evenly. "I won't lose him. I _won't_. I love him and if he won't fight for himself, I'll fight for him. You want to know why? Because I think I found something – some_one_ worth fighting for – someone worth living for. That's him and God help anyone who tries to make me let him go. I love him and that's all that matters!"

I took a deep breath and stopped before I could say anything because Draco was awake and he was staring at Harry with a look I'd never seen on his face. And as Draco's best friend, I'd seen my share of expressions on his face. Fear, pride, hate, envy, and almost everything in between apathy and compassion. And love – but only for Potter. And now I saw on his face – wonder.

"You love me?" he murmured and Potter turned.

"Of course I do, silly," he said gently. "I _love_ you with everything I can possess."

And the thing that really broke my heart was that Draco honestly didn't believe he deserved to be loved. He didn't believe that he _could_ be loved.

And now that someone loved him… he was going to die.

I've never known sorrow or grief. My parents never gave a damn about me – I was born a girl and therefore worthless. And since I had no looks or brains, I had nothing going for me. When my parents died, I couldn't care less. They hadn't loved me and I hadn't loved them it was that simple. We'd been strangers living in the same part of the world. You don't feel anything for a stranger that dies.

Blaise had mourned for his mother when she'd died. But I'd never had to mourn and I mourned now.

I mourned for Draco and Potter. I mourned for the both of them because… they just weren't meant to be.

I couldn't see any sign of hope. He was going to get sicker and die. That's just the way it was.

Enemies do not become lovers and live happily ever after. That's a story… this is real life.

In real life, Draco was going to die.

* * *

– George Eliot.

* * *

**A/N:** A bit pessimistic in my opinion, but there's always hope somewhere… Just that I think Pansy would be a bit more pessimistic than most. Plus, Draco's pretty bad right now in the story. As for Harry… yeah… he's in love with him. Though it seems kind of fast… I kind of messed up the timing, I think… then again, the romance isn't really the focus of the story...

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

N/A

**Review Response:**

**Kekepania1**

**ashmoon **

**Govnuk**

**Sarah123Babe**

**NiaSphinx**:

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**Moonlit Eyes**

I was going to reply individually, but quite a few of you said something along the same lines, so… I'm just going to say this – thanks! The praise of my descriptions rather surprised me. In my real life, people are rather uneasy about the way I describe emotions – they tell me I speak of human beings as though I weren't one myself. They tell me I'm too clinically detached. According to them, it's all very well to become a doctor, just remember to keep my emotions and not become the cold person some people think I am. I never really understood why. But oh, well. So, when you – those of you who _did_ mention it in a flattering light, it was among the nicest things anyone's said to me. On the other hand, all of you are great! I love the reviews! Although, praise is great… a little constructive criticism, please? I can't be become a better writer if no one tells me what I'm doing wrong! But praise – oh, praise, do flatter me. I rather enjoy it – just make sure it doesn't go to my head by balancing it out – just point out my grammar errors and typos! I'm going back and fixing the story's grammatical errors when it's all posted up, so it'd be very helpful if you did tell me where they are. Remember, though, be nice and respectful! Never forget that we're all human beings here! (Which also includes, you know, the usual imperfections.) Oh, and please check out my profile! I've a bit of news up there for you.

Keir the "evil" genius


	18. XVI And So We Fall

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"There is no turning back now

Everything you've ever wanted

Everything in this moment

There is no turning back now"

**

* * *

**

XVI

**And So We Fall**

They told me Draco Malfoy was dying on Monday. Professor McGonagall had announced it during breakfast, which I had missed.

Luna went to see Malfoy on Thursday. Colin Creevey, the only other Gryffindor left in my year, went to see him on the following Friday.

He told me that Malfoy looked really bad. He said that no one was saying what Malfoy was ill of, but he'd heard Hermione telling my brother that Malfoy's body seemed to failing. It was shutting itself down little by little.

I decided to ignore it. Malfoy was faking it – he was always one for attention. But two weeks went by, crawling as though time had slowed the moment McGonagall announced Malfoy was really ill. And I sat by myself and watched people – they all cried.

Why would they cry over Malfoy, I honestly didn't know.

"I heard that he might get better… but it's gonna be close," I heard a fourth year telling his friend. They were trying to console a girl who was crying brokenheartedly. She was sobbing and they kept telling her that Malfoy would be all right. Who was she, I don't know.

I complained to Luna and Colin, my constant companions. "I mean _everyone's_ paying attention to him! I mean, come on – he's faking it. When he gets tired of it – if ever, he'll tell everyone how he almost died."

"He's not faking," Colin told me finally. "He's really sick. The last time I checked, people were donating blood. He needs it – he's severely anemic. He's really, _really_ sick, Ginny."

"And he's not getting better," Luna said very quietly. We looked at her in surprise. She knew things sometimes, but… Luna was an odd girl.

"He's a good faker," I said firmly.

"He's not," said Colin. He looked at me and sighed, "Ginny… why don't you go and pay him a little visit. You can decide whether he's faking it or not."

xxx

I crept into the Hospital Wing, a little shocked by the hush that hung over it. I honestly don't know what I expected. I guess I expected to see a million cards and presents for Malfoy. But there weren't any near him. There were presents and cards, but they were in Madam Pomfrey's office, I found out later.

When I first saw him lying there, a tube taped to his arm that dripped nutrients into him, I thought he was dead. He was barely breathing and when I touched him, his skin was cold. He was shivering even though he was lying under a thousand blankets. It took me a while to realize that his fingernails were a pale bluish color already.

"Malfoy?" I whispered, unable to stop the horror in my voice from coming out. How the hell did he get so sick, I wondered.

Thing was, he hadn't just gotten sick right now. He'd gotten sick years ago and nobody had known it. Or rather, nobody had noticed it.

"Weasley?" he murmured. He looked at me with an odd look on his face. "Maybe I really am dying," he said. "You've come to visit me."

"Piss off, Malfoy," I said, but I felt something inside me – some indefinable sense of sorrow.

"I will," he told me. "I'll be gone soon and then… you'll get Harry to yourself."

"Of course you won't be gone," I said flatly. "Harry loves you, Malfoy. He loves you the way he never loved me. Ours was a childhood love. Yours is … indefinable."

"Sure," he murmured. I could see he was tired and I could see how thin he was. He was so thin… he looked so small in that bed. He looked like he was fading away from this world.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No," Malfoy told me. "My liver's failing, did you know? Once it fails I'm dead. None of the Healers can heal me now. I'm too far gone into this." He laughed bitterly, "Did you know, I thought it was going to make me feel better – doing this to myself." He smiled at me. "Life's ironic, don't you think? I wanted to die… and now that I've got Harry, I don't want to die. I want to stay with him."

"You will," I told him softly. I was regretting every hurtful word I've ever said toward him.

He only smiled at me and coughed weakly.

I don't know how long I sat there, but it was long enough for him to fall asleep.

It's weird – sitting next to someone who's walking so close to death that it's a wonder if he'll make it. I didn't really believe he could live. He was too sick now. He _looked_ far too sick. I think it'd take a miracle to save him.

xxx

"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked me that morning. She looked at me angrily. "Don't you realize Draco's really, _really_ ill?!"  
"I wasn't doing anything," I said.

"Ginny, I've seen you storming around lately in a fit of jealous rage. You'd better not have done anything," Ron told me and that was the last straw.

I couldn't believe them. As much as I hated the thought of Harry moving on without me – dating another person… and as much as I hated Draco Malfoy, I would never in a million years hurt someone who was already this far down.

"Fine!" I said, "I don't care – I'm going."

Maybe I really should leave, I thought. It seemed to me that nobody really needed me around anymore.

Why should I stay?

Harry had Malfoy now.

Everyone had somebody now…

xxx

_There's a knife. It's very pretty too. The way the light hits it and bounces off the sharp edge of it. It gives me a sense of power as I hold it in my hands. Peppercorn's watching us cut up our ingredients…_

_She'll never know if I take this pretty silver knife. It's very pretty. And oh, so deliciously sharp. She'll never know…_

_None of them will ever know._

_I slip it into my pocket and pretend to put it back where I got it._

_I've made up my mind to do it, see. They'll be happier, you see._

_The whole world will be much happier._

_I hear them whispering saying that Harry's heart is breaking – his lover's dying and his best friend's sister wants to kill him a little faster._

_Yeah, they don't need me…_

_Malfoy's gotten even worse since I was last there… maybe he'll stay and make Harry happy if I go._

_I wonder how long will it take for them to notice I'm gone. I wonder if they notice that it's snowing today. There are only two days left before Christmas vacation begins…_

_But they won't notice I'm gone._

_Me and my pretty knife…_

_It's so pretty and it feels so good against my skin. I look good in the red… I look so good in it, don't I?_

_It's my turn to fly now…_

* * *

– Shinedown

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A/N: The scene in italics is actually jumping a little into the future/present. It won't come up again until the chapter after the next… I think… can't really remember. Argh! I feel like my timing is so bad in this one!

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. Let's just say I got the thoughts in Ginny's head about nobody wanting her around straight out of a textbook.

**Review Response**:

**ashmoon**

**Sarah123Babe**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**BabyKeepItSurreal**: I'm not cruel… normally. There are only two stories that I'll post up in which Draco actually dies. There is one where Draco is supposed to be dead from the very beginning, but never mind about those. That's the only hint you'll get from me outside those stories… and for this story as well.

Thanks all of you! This story is doing much better than what I expected. Anyway, I'm sure you're all wanting to know whether or not Draco dies. Well, since that would spoil the ending… all I'm going to say is you'll see when we get there... We are now on chapter sixteen…which means there are FIVE chapters left before the very ending. I shall try to update again next week, but I make no promises. Review and we'll see. No, that's not an attempt at holding my chapters hostage and demanding ransom. I'll update nonetheless, if I can. I'm assuming you all know what happened to Ginny, right?


	19. XVII: A Light Shines Forth

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended. 

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"And however dark the skies may appear,

And however souls may blunder,

I tell you it all will work out clear,

For good lies over and under."

**

* * *

**

XVII

**A Light Shines Forth**

In the here and the now, this is where we stand – past the memories and what we're all saying. What we've pieced together on our own…

Draco Malfoy lay dying in the Hospital Wing, or so everyone said. Thing is, every underestimates the power of the will. Where there is a will, there is a way. Everyone focused on that one part there. We all knew magic wasn't going to help him for very long. Madam Pomfrey called some Healers from St. Mungos and they performed charms and spells, casting them on Draco. They set up life-support spells and charms. Should he suddenly slip even further down into the spiral, then the spells would activate themselves and they'd keep him alive.

Then there was Harry, who seemed to barely be holding on as he watched his boyfriend get sicker and sicker. Even I didn't know just how sick Draco Malfoy was now. None of us knew for sure anymore. We were just winging it.

Ron and Hermione – we barely noticed them anymore. They had put their lives on hold to be there for Harry. They had not gone against him when he began going out with Draco Malfoy. They'd supported him even. They didn't mind who he loved.

And then there was Ginny…

Ginny was the worrisome one. No one was watching her as she sank into her depression. No one really cared about her because she was unnoticed. She was one of those children that no one notices until one day they snap and they kill hundreds of people or they suffer a nervous breakdown.

I was watching them as always. The Moon sees it all, you know. But the Moon is not like the sun. The sun sees all the people's secrets and flaws and shines glaringly on them to reveal them to the world.

The Moon sees it and glows her gentle light, gathering her sorrow in the shining of stars.

I'm the Moon – I told you that before. And I saw them and I knew…

This is where it all falls apart…

* * *

– Ella Wheeler Wilcox

* * *

A/N: Luna's a bit of an observer more than a participant. That was a bit unintentional. This is, in a very vague way foreshadowing things… Actually this one gives you more of an answer to the question as to whether or not Draco will die. Seeing as there are only four more chapters left to the story (not counting the Epilogue), I will be explaining a few things further down the road. So, sorry about the short chapter, but let me know what you think! 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. Where there is a will, there is a way. – (?) I don't even know for sure it's a quote. I think it is.

**Review Response**:

**Senom Vefeth**

**Everlasting Devastation**

**Sarah123Babe**

**Kekepania1**

**Moonlit Eyes**

**tiapotter16 **

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

Thank you! I'm very glad to have gotten your reviews! Because this is more of a leading-up to the next chapter, rather than what I'd really consider a great chapter, I'm going to try to update again very soon – if my internet doesn't die on me. It's been acting up lately. Anyway, review if you wish to let me know what you're thinking, constructive criticism, noticed a quote I didn't cite (or you have a really great quote for me), recommend a great story (humor is lovely, angst is better, fluff is simply wonderful) or simply want to say hi! If not, thanks for reading!

Keir


	20. XVIII: Death's Embrace

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance. "

**

* * *

**

XVIII

**Death's Embrace**

"Harry!" Hermione said jumping to her feet when we spotted him. I worried about him. He seemed so tired lately, that I wondered if it had been such a good idea to become involved with Malfoy.

I was surprised to find myself a week before the Christmas Holidays without any presents – without having thought of anything except Harry and Malfoy.

"Is everything all right?"

"Yeah," said Harry. He hesitated before he said quietly, "Acheron's been listing everything that's wrong with Draco… there's a Healer who wanted to know."

"Do they think they can help him?"

"Not if he doesn't eat on his own," said Harry, looking at Hermione. "He hasn't been eating on his own. Every vitamin, every nutrient is going directly into his veins through an I.V. He tries, but I guess he's really tired of it now. He sleeps a lot nowadays."

"I'm sorry," said Hermione quietly. I wondered, though, was there even a chance that Malfoy could survive this at all?

"It's all right," said Harry with a sad smile. "Anyway, he's definitely got muscle atrophy – and according to the Healer who saw him, if he manages to pull through the crisis period, chances are that the lost muscle mass is permanent. He'll be pretty weak for the rest of his life. His health is definitely never going to be the same as someone who's healthy. But, she says that luckily he doesn't have osteoporosis like we thought he did. There's some thinning of his bones, but not too much. He'll just have to be very careful if he wants to play Quidditch or something."

"What about… everything else?"

Harry looked away. "He's got bradycardia. He might still manage to get that fixed, but his heart will be weaker than it was before. His kidneys are almost through. The healer says that they'll try to put him on a waiting list for a transplant." Harry looked back at us. "She's a Muggle-born and she's been studying ways to combine our healing with Muggle treatments. She's even gone through the Muggle medical courses to become a doctor. She says that it's his best shot. She also told us that he needs a liver transplant and that will be a priority…" Harry sighed, "He might not qualify for a heart transplant, though – not if the risks of doing that outweigh the benefits. She also told us that he's got something called ketoacidosis… she says that if he doesn't eat soon, he'll end up in a coma. The chances of his waking up aren't very good if goes into a coma."

"What's a coma?" I asked. I'd heard of it before, but I'd never really understood it.

Hermione told me it was when a person was deeply unconscious for a really long time. Sometimes comatose people died without ever waking up.

I felt sorry for Malfoy – he had so many health problems now that I was starting to wonder if it would be more humane for us to let him die than trying to save his life.

I thought that no matter the cost he ought to live.

But what was our right to force him to live if he didn't want to?

xxx

It was the scream that sent people running into the room. It was actually a girl named Mandy something – I can't remember her last name. She was the one standing there in the room, staring at something I couldn't see.

They ushered us out of the room before I could see what was going on.

"Oh, my God!" people were saying, "She committed _suicide_!"

I had a really, really bad feeling about this.

I turned and fled without speaking to anyone. I needed to find Luna or Colin – one of the people Ginny hung about with. Someone she was friends with…

_No, no, no, no_ – it was a mantra in my mind with each step I took.

"Ronald," Luna said when I found her. "I have something to tell you…"

I stared at her and then she handed me a note.

Oh, God, _no._

* * *

– Marcel Proust

* * *

A/N: Have you figured it out by now, if you didn't before? Anyway, again sorry for the rather short chapter… and sorry for making you all wait. I was going to update three days after I posted last chapter, but then my internet decided to throw a tantrum and then I got sick… Arwen's fallen off the face of the planet – or at least I haven't seen her, talked to her and she's my beta! She has my new story which I want to post… but more worrisome, she's my sister – and I think she's vanished… Oh, well, hope she's okay.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. Ketoacidosis – this should be easy, if you can take the word apart. All right then. This… the definition I've found is: "high levels of acids that build up in the blood (known as ketones) **caused by the body burning fat** (instead of sugar and carbohydrates) to get energy. It **can be a result of starvation, excessive purging, **dehydration, hyperglycemia and/or alcohol abuse (it can also be a result of uncontrolled or untreated diabetes). It can **lead to coma and death**."

Not a good and happy thing at all. And, yes, I put the most important details in the bold.

P.S: Arwen said that people with eating disorders are disqualified from getting transplants.

**Review Response:**

**Senom Vefeth**

**Kekepania1**

**Arian prince:** Thanks! I was wondering where that came from. I'll put it up on the list as soon as I can get around to it.

**nina **

**randomness **

**Black Mirror**: Thanks! That means a lot to me actually, since I've gotten most of my information out of textbooks, so for you to say that to me is great!

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**Sarah123Babe**

Thanks for taking the time to review! Again, apologies for being so late with this chapter. There are only two more chapters! After this, you have Pansy. The last chapter's Harry. Then there _is_ an Epilogue, but I feel that the story really ends with Harry. So, you don't have to read the Epilogue, unless, of course, you want to. Anyway, just a few announcements…

I'm currently fixing Shadow of a Dream's newest chapter, which will hopefully be done sometime soon… I _am_ taking a poll on whether or not to continue the Board of Recognition, as I've fallen behind on it… and I'm not sure if it's worth the effort. Also, I want to know if I should post a Harry Potter/ Artemis Fowl crossover! Yes, I know, Artemis Fowl is a children's novel and I am far too old to be considered a child but I enjoy Artemis Fowl nonetheless… speaking of how old I am, how old do you think I am?

Anyway, thanks again, for taking the time to review. I hope you enjoyed this new chapter, and please review if you have any questions, comments, insightful suggestions to improve my writing skills, just remember to be polite!

Keir


	21. XIX: Fade

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Life is full of strange experiences, and if you're looking for explanations, you can usually find them."

**

* * *

**

XIX

**Fade**

It felt like every day lasted years. I felt like I was just barely holding on to everything I knew. It was a chore to open my eyes and watch people. I couldn't do anything anymore. Before, I'd been too tired, but now it was obvious that I really couldn't move. I couldn't walk.

It's funny that it's gotten to this point. I never thought it would get here. I was thirteen when I started my food rituals. Thirteen years old and I needed a method of control. Besides, my father said I needed to get good marks. I felt like I wasn't worth anything. I needed some control and so one day, I refused to eat meat. I guess I became a vegetarian. I remember that I wouldn't eat meat. I wasn't unhealthy – I was very healthy, I suppose since I exercised daily with Quidditch. I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner and everything in between those meals. Then I slowly started cutting back on certain things.

When I was fourteen I wouldn't eat a few things, but I still ate. I don't when exactly, but at some point between the ages of fourteen and fifteen, I started limiting myself. I refused to eat between meals. I'd eat three meals a day and that was it. Six months into that I decided I needed more time to study, so I'd skip dinner. Of course, hardly anyone noticed that since I showed up to dinner because Snape made me, but I didn't eat.

At sixteen it was one meal a day. That meal consisted of a salad. I wouldn't eat anything else. But things were happening in my life when I was sixteen, and the stress made me lose my appetite. I skipped more meals than I ate. And toward the disastrous end of my sixth year, I was eating an apple and that was my meal. I'd drink pumpkin juice and other drinks, though.

Then Dumbledore was killed in front of my eyes. I watched him die and I ran the moment I could get away.

Seeing as I ran into the Muggle world and I had no money and my knowledge was impaired in the Muggle world as it was limited to what the old Muggle Studies professor taught us… I couldn't get a job, I couldn't get money and therefore I could not eat.

I guess I really stopped eating when I was seventeen – but it began simply. I became a vegetarian when I was thirteen years old and it careened out of control as I grew older. Up until now that I am eighteen years old.

Nearly five years since I began… it ends here.

"Draco?" It was Harry who whispered my name.

It was a struggle to open my eyes but I managed it. I was too tired to do anything else other than smile at him and curl my fingers into his hand when he picked my hand up.

He was warm and I was so very cold. I was always cold.

Before I'd been put in the infirmary here at the school, my illness hadn't had a name. Now it did. I knew what it was. It was an eating disorder. I was anorexic.

But eating disorders, Hermione Granger told me, sitting at my bedside, tend to be a combination of many eating disorders. Mine just happened to be anorexia and bulimia. I was almost exclusively anorexic, but I did have the tendency of sometimes acting bulimic. When I ate – that's when I was bulimic.

But now Harry was here. I needed to be strong for him. I needed to stay awake and keep trying no matter how hard it was.

"Draco," Harry said softly. He touched my check gently, almost like he was afraid that if he touched me any harder than that feather-light touch on my face, he'd break me. We'd never gone further than heavy kissing and some groping and I guess I was regretting it then.

There were so many things I wanted to tell him, but could not. I wondered if I'd ever get the chance to tell him what he meant to me. I wondered if I could tell him everything I thought of him now.

We hadn't been together long enough and I wished I had more time to spend it with him.

I was dying. I knew I was because I could feel it. My heart wasn't anywhere near where a healthy person's heart was. I could no longer get out of bed if I tried. Even if I tried getting out of bed, I'd collapse before I got far. My body was too weak to support me any longer. It was all I could do to keep breathing.

And I wanted to live… but not like this. I wanted to be healthy again, but the chances of my health ever being normal again were not high.

"We've got a new Healer for you," Harry told me softly. "She says that it might take a really long time and it's gonna be really hard for you, but if you hang on… we might be able to help you."

I smiled at him and murmured softly, "Have I told you that I love you, Harry Potter?"

He shook his head, the expression on his face looked like he'd just been punched hard and unexpectedly.

"Well," I told him softly, "I do love you, you know."

He looked like he was going to cry. "Draco," he began shakily, but I was too tired to stay awake. I needed to go to sleep.

"I'm tired, Harry," I told him. I looked at him again. I wanted to memorize his face in case this was the last time I saw him. "Will you stay with me?"

He nodded as he sat down in the chair next to my bed, holding my hand in his. I smiled at him and closed my eyes.

xxx

It was very strange, but I did wake up, briefly when there was such a huge commotion over something.

"She _what_?" I heard Madam Pomfrey asking sharply.

"What's going on?" Harry demanded and I could hear someone crying. Someone was yelling something.

Even in the state I was, so tired I could barely open my eyes now, I could hear the words and I understood something.

Someone had committed suicide and I wondered how stupid that was. Then I realized how hypocritical that was. I mean, I was dying at my own hands. I'd caused this. I'd let myself get this sick by refusing to eat. Their suicide was little faster than mine. Mine was a slow, painful, but suicidal death. No one would say it was suicide when I died – they'd all say I was sick. I'd died of my disease, they'd all say. But I knew better. I was killing myself very slowly.

And I wondered, briefly if this was a sign…

I was meant to go.

* * *

– Claire McKenzie

**

* * *

A/N: **Well, I didn't quite plan for this to turn out the way it did. Hope you enjoy it anyway. I know I said that you had Pansy next, instead of Draco, but I decided to re-add this chapter. It was rejected from the final version before, but… I was thinking you might want to see what is feeling at the moment. So, think of it as an extra chapter! I'm also posting Pansy's chapter as promised with this. So review here, or next chapter, which ever, and if you want. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. The chapter quote! It comes from a book called _What happened to Lani Garver_. Claire is the character in the book who narrates the story – I have no idea who wrote the book. It's a very curious little book. Very odd, very strange and the ending… ah, well, that's a mystery!

**Review Response:**

See next chapter. I'm posting this up along with Pansy's chapter.


	22. XX: Mercurial

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Sometime change is too much to bear, but of the time change is the only thing saving your life."

**

* * *

**

XX

**Mercurial**

I was walking down the corridor for reasons I don't even know when I heard the scream.

I walked over to the room where the screamer was and stopped and stared. It was a girls' bathroom – in fact, it was Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. She was gone, of course – all the ghosts were gone for some odd reason. No one knew where and we had not seen them since we arrived.

There was a very, very pale girl lying in a spreading pool of black. I knew it was blood.

The blood had soaked through her school robes and I wondered who she was. Her eyes were closed and a smile lurked on her lips. There was no note in the bathroom at all. Her skin was so pale that I knew if she wasn't dead yet, she would be soon.

Death, it seemed, was all around us and all too easily reached. I shuddered, gasping as the shock finally caught up with me.

I stared at the girl on the floor of the bathroom. I didn't know what happen – why would _anyone_ hurt themselves so deliberately… with such finality?

Someone ushered me out of the room.

I don't know how, but I found myself sitting next to Blaise in our dormitory, which Blaise and I shared now. Draco was gone – in the infirmary, too sick to be here. I thought it was obvious he was dying.

"How could she?" I asked blankly. "She cut herself – slashed her wrists. I don't understand… how could she do that?" I looked at Blaise, continuing, "Even Draco never cut – or tried to kill himself!"

Blaise shook his head, "Yeah, he did." I stared at him.

"When?" I asked.

"He used to be suicidal," Blaise said. "From first to third year – he was suicidal. I don't know what happened to make him realize he didn't want to die, but I'm glad it did because he didn't kill himself. I know he was going to. He had it all planned too."

"I… I didn't know," I whispered. "_Why_ didn't I know that? Draco's my best friend!"

"I know," Blaise told me. "I know he is." He smiled a little bitterly, the shadows cast by the candlelight made him seem a little blacker than he was. He had beautifully dark skin.

"And… I can't believe she'd kill herself!" I said again.

"Yeah," said Blaise.

xxx

"What's going on?" I demanded when Blaise and I made our way to the hospital wing.

Ron looked up at us, his eyes were hollow and I wanted to worry, but the friendship was a little too new. Weasley and I had become friends – Granger too. If a little reluctantly, we were friends now. To me they were Ron and Hermione, now I guess. What a shock to my parents. They must be rolling over in their graves – _me_ friends with a Weasley and a _Mudblood_.

"My Mum's here," Ron said finally. "She spoke to Madam Pomfrey and Malfoy's Healer – did you know? She didn't know Malfoy was Harry's boyfriend. She didn't even know Harry was gay… bisexual… whatever."

"He's bisexual?" Blaise asked, surprised.

"Yeah," said Ron. "He told me he figured it out, but right now he likes Malfoy. My mother… well, she met Ash…" he had the grace to look slightly embarrassed as he added, "I mean, Acheron, and they began talking and somehow she found out that Malfoy's really sick." He looked at Blaise and me. "Mum's agreed to…to help… it was the least we can do. And I think… she'd've wanted that. In fact… I know she did."

It suddenly hit me who the girl who had committed suicide was.

* * *

– Unknown

* * *

A/N: One more chapter and we're done. Then the Epilogue comes after that. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. The quote – the reason why I chose it was that the girl killed herself, but that might save Draco's life… yeah, really odd and it probably didn't make any sense at all.

**Review Response:**

**Kekepania1**

**Sarah123Babe**

**ashmoon**: I hope updating this story with two chapters made it long enough: D

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**randomness **

Thank you! I looked up at the little number today (and I'm a bit dense, as I never actually look at the number, just read the reviews when they arrive in my inbox), and thought, _wow! I made it past the one hundred review mark_. I remember when I first posted **Prophetic Resolution**, which was the first story I posted on this website, thinking that I'd be happy with a handful of reviews – I wasn't expecting much as I'm not really a writer. I've been published in the real world, certainly, but I'm not really a writer. (I'm a poet, unfortunately, if you're curious). And this one – this was the first angst story I posted here. I was afraid, after writing two stories in the "humor" genre I wasn't going to be capable of writing a story in the angst genre. And now, I remember that and see all these good reviews and I just have to say thank you so very much!

Keir

P.S: I have the new "angst" story. It's called "A Shadow's Whisper", if you're interest. I have to warn you though, it's a strange story, and I doubt I did a good job on that story, as it became something other than what I wanted.


	23. XXI: Silence

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"Love will find a way through paths where wolves fear to prey."

**

* * *

**

XXI

**Silence**

Ginny had killed herself.

I wondered if it had anything to do with me. I wondered if I'd hurt her enough to drive her to this. I wished it hadn't ended this way. I expected Ron to blame me. I didn't expect him to turn to me and cry into my shoulder. I didn't expect what Mrs. Weasley did at all.

She came and I didn't think she'd be so strong. I thought she'd fall to pieces, but I suppose she'd already gone through the fear of losing her children. She'd already made her peace with it when we were in the war. The fact that her only daughter had killed herself… well, I didn't think she'd react the way she did.

Mrs. Weasley didn't burst into tears. I think her sorrow went far too deep for tears. There was too much pain for her to cry.

But what she said then later on shocked me.

"As much pain as it causes me to lose my daughter… there is a child that lies over in that side of the room dying. My daughter has what he needs for a better chance at life. It may not work… I understand that, but my daughter is dead." Mrs. Weasley looked at me and now her eyes filled with tears, "And that boy in that bed has people that love him. I think he ought have what he needs."

I knew what she was talking about. Draco needed to get a transplant. He needed a kidney transplant and a liver transplant the most.

Slowly, Draco's Healer nodded and ushered me out of the room.

xxx

"So… Ginny's donating the organs to him," Ron said quietly. "Do you think the Healer will… take her heart too?"

"Draco needs it. I don't know – she said that she'll do magic and Muggle medicine – the combination she's been working on."

Draco's Healer was named Nyssa. It was a nice name, but I reckon it was a strange name. I don't know what happened, but I know that Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley walked out of the infirmary with tears in their eyes but they looked at me when they said, "Ginny's blood type matches Draco Malfoy's blood type. We'll be here for a while."

I nodded mutely.

I don't know how long it took, but I know it was risky what they were doing, but they were doing it quickly. Or as quickly as they could possibly do it, and with magic, it was certainly much safer and much faster than it would've been in the Muggle world.

Finally, Nyssa, Acheron, and Madam Pomfrey came out of the room, looking worn.

"Well?" Pansy finally burst out. I was startled – I hadn't noticed she'd arrived.

"He's unconscious still," Acheron said quietly. "But… we're hopeful…"

He told us then that Nyssa had agreed to go with the heart transplant as well – as the magickal combination had overridden the nastier side effects the transplant could have potentially had. Besides, Asheron said he was sick enough for it now.

xxx

I sat next to Draco as he slept. His skin was still a bit dry, but it was starting to not look so dry. He seemed very thin still, but he lost the tinge he'd had before. He seemed much healthier than before.

I hoped he survived. I really did.

xxx

The days went by, but Draco didn't wake up.

It was hard to watch him. I hoped he woke up soon. I wanted to tell him so many things. People had come by to visit him and most of them left in tears. It really did look like maybe it _was_ time to let him go. He'd been sick for so long now.

It was Christmas Eve and I was sitting next to him once again telling him everything – how the Weasleys had had a memorial for Ginny, how she had a memorial in her name on the school grounds. I told him how hard it was for us to live without Ginny. How hard it was for Ron – but he came by to see Draco anyway. I told him that it wasn't because Draco had the last living things connected to his sister.

But I was getting tired. I kept trying to hold on.

"Maybe you ought to let him go," Hermione had suggested not too long ago. I was starting to think maybe she was right.

Maybe I should let him go.

I didn't want to let him go, though.

xxx

"Hey, Draco," I told him softly. "It's snowing today…"

He didn't respond to me and so, finally I told him, "Look… Draco… you can survive this if you wake up. But… maybe if there's another place… a place that's much better for you, then go. But… listen, Draco… if you want to live, wake up… you need to eat and then you'll get better…"

They'd already dealt with his failing kidneys – he had Ginny's. Ginny had given him what he needed to live. Now he needed food.

Madam Pomfrey had changed his feeding support, so that even though he was in a coma they could slowly help his digestive system digest food again. He no longer got his food directly into his bloodstream, but they had it so his body would digest it.

Madam Pomfrey had noticed problems, but Acheron, Nyssa, Hermione, and Madam Pomfrey put their heads together and came up with a potion to give him.

"Draco?" I whispered. "Please wake up. I love you, you know. I just want you to know that I love you. I'll love you whether you wake up or not. But if you're going to go… then I'm setting you free. I'm giving you my permission to go. I'd like it if you would fight for me… if you'd live…"

I sat there for a long time, feeling the tears burn my cheeks. I almost missed it completely.

It was a sigh.

That was enough for me – I smiled for the first time in a long time. I smiled even though I was crying.

It hurt, but I knew that someday it was going to be all right.

x-x-x-x-x-x  
_Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself  
And covered with a perfect shell  
Such a charming, beautiful exterior  
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes  
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by  
But you're barely scraping by _

This is one time, this is one time  
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone  
Or anyone at all...  
x-x-x-x-x-x

* * *

– Lord Byron

* * *

**A/N**: I don't know if the chapter title makes sense, but this was the original ending to this story. I left it unchanged, because I feel that it can be interpreted in many different ways. I have an epilogue, as I've said – or, rather, an ending that's more specific in what happens. I wrote this story as a part of an angst collection. The other story that belongs in the self-abuse collection is _A Shadow's Whisper_. That one is a very odd story. You have to read it to see what I mean. There are a total of four in the angst genre collection that I planned out. One is a romance, het (sorry slash lovers, it's a non-slash one. With the pairing of Draco/Hermione. If you're interested leave me a signed review and I'll let you know when it's up.), the other is up already – _A Shadow's Whisper_, which could be classified as a romantic angst with unrequited love (HP/DM), but it is more of a self-abuse, letting go type of angst story, I think. The last one is a strange story. That one is what I assume you'd call a death-fic. It is the only story that I will label "angst" that has Draco die. I don't kill him off permanently very often, so if you want to know what I think happens here with Draco, there's a hint. There are only two stories in which I specifically state that he dies. One is in my angst collection and the other one is a bit of a surprise, since I'm not sure which genre I'm sticking that one in.

As to why I wrote this story – I suppose it was because I wanted to write a story that utilized the knowledge I have of this particular eating disorder. I wanted to write a story that was different from the two stories I had at the time, which as some of you might know, were **Confessions of a Drama Queen**, and **Prophetic Resolutio**n – both of which are classifiable as "humor". I wanted to prove to myself, mostly, that I could write something that_ wasn't_ a crack!fic like **I Plead Insanity**, or a "romantic comedy" sort of thing, or even something like PR, which I'm not sure how to classify it at all. But anyway, sorry for rambling off. Let me know what you think of this. The Epilogue will be posted sooner or later – when I have the time again.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. The chapter quote – I _think_ it was Lord Byron…

2. The organ transplants! All right… um… this was using artistic license. In the real world, Draco would die. It's the facts. I'm not so sure about other transplants, or how it works in England, but here, if you've ever had an eating disorder or tried to commit suicide, you're automatically disqualified from receiving a heart transplant. I don't know if goes for all transplants, but it's definitely an automatic disqualification for a heart transplant. Arwen says it's because there's so few people who are willing to be organ donors if they die. There are a lot of people on the waiting list and not enough people to donate. But seeing as it's a fan fiction and not the real world, I decided to ignore that and go ahead and came up with this.

3. The lyrics at the end belong to Dashboard Confessional. I'm not sure if it really goes with the story, though… oh, well. Hopefully you can see the connection.

**Review Response:**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**randomness **

**Kekepania1**

Thanks to all of you! I'm afraid I don't have much time at the moment, and I'm hurriedly posting this up, sneaking in a bit of time – hopefully I won't get caught and so all I can really say is: THANK YOU! You're all wonderful reviewers! Thanks again.

Keir the evil genius


	24. Epilogue

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through tears."

**

* * *

**

Epilogue

_It's a sad thing, really, that we all strive for the perfection we can never reach. Even the stars themselves struggle in their attempts of outshining the sun in the night sky..._

That's how we began. But this – _this_ is how we end.

I don't remember much, but I remember seeing my love smiling at me through his tears. It was odd – he was crying so hard and yet his smile was struggling through his tears.

It's been eight years.

I'm twenty-six years old now. I live in a beautiful house and my brother remarried last year – it's funny how it ends. When you begin we really do believe we'll get the happily-ever-after and yet, in the middle, we start to flounder. That's when we start thinking that maybe we won't make it. But we do make it.

Nobody really gets a happily ever after. If I'd gotten my happily ever after, my father would still be alive and my mother wouldn't have gone insane and killed herself. My brother would have come back without all the bad things in between that happened. My soul mate would've fallen in love with me and never had to go through all that pain I made him go through.

Of course, seeing as we're both male, we still go through a lot of pain. The other day, I kissed him in the rain in the middle of a park and some old lady started yelling at us.

It's not the happily ever after that I wanted, but I guess it's a happily ever after.

And just so you know…

We're all right. We really are. There's a saying that says _if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger_.

I think it's true.

Right now, we're right here – and I guess we're all thinking of what brought us here. I can see Hermione with her new baby in her arms, smiling softly. I can see Ron – yes I call him Ron now. The fact that his sister died to save me is definitely a factor why we're friends now. I tell him I'm taking care of Ginny's heart for her, but he told me it was my heart the moment my blood went through it. Ginny's dead, but I'm alive, and I'm here, watching all of you. I'm watching Potter… Harry, my love… my life.

They all worry about me. I tell them not to, but I guess they have a right to worry about me. Yet I know that if I've learned anything from them – from _us_, it is that perfection can never be achieved. For perfection must be defined by its imperfections. I have learned that it's not worth dying to be perfect.

I know that I'm not completely cured – I never will be completely cured of my need for control. Harry stops me from going too far now though. And besides, my life isn't over yet. I've only just begun.

x-x-x-x-x-x  
_Close call there in the shadows  
There's an end to the dark  
'Cause there's someone out there_

x-x-x-x-x-x

* * *

– Unknown

**

* * *

A/N: So, that's the epilogue. I was going to make it a tragic and sad ending because I'm afraid I'm in love with the tragic, but I'm a sucker for the happy endings. Strange, isn't it. I'm not so sure I did this topic justice. I hope I did well, as it was the first time I wrote in this style which I decided I wanted to give a shot after reading Poisonwood Bible. Anyway, read the rest of my fics, if you wish – if you haven't… and so long and thanks for the fish!**

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger." – Saying

2. The lyrics at the very end – Sarah McLachlan. I think the song's called "Out of the Shadows"

**Review Reponse:**

**Sarah123Babe**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

**randomness **

Thanks for taking the time to review. I hope you enjoyed this story (and of course, the happy ending)! Let me know what you think of me as an angst writer (seeing as my first story was a humor story)…

Keir the evil genius


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